Back To Your Future

By: Michelle Bottone, LMFT

The pandemic has been a lengthy period of uncertainty which can cause increased stressors in many areas of our lives. Given the CDC guidelines and in order to interact with others, most of us have been relegated to socializing via technology platforms, such as Zoom with colleagues, family, and friends.

Recently, the majority of companies have announced their respective employee return to work dates. Does the thought of re-socialization seem daunting?  Do you find yourself doubting your ability to navigate this transition?  Take a deep breath, help is accessible. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills can assist in increasing your resiliency and your ability to re-integrate socially whether if it’s back to the office or school.

1. Practice self-validation.

Self-validating is act of practicing self-compassion by acknowledging, allowing and understanding how you are feeling. An example of this could be saying to yourself, “It is okay that I am feeling anxious right now. I haven’t set foot in the office for over a year. All my meetings have been through Zoom, it makes sense that I may be a little nervous.”

2. Check the facts.

What am I assuming? Am I overestimating a potential threat and underestimating my ability to cope?  Example: “I am assuming that I might stutter when speaking to a colleague in person for the first time. I speak all the time to my coworkers via Zoom without stuttering. If I do happen to stutter, it’s okay. In my last performance evaluation, my manager wrote that I have strong communication skills. Even the best public speakers, trip up on their words at times.”

3. Cope ahead.

Consider practicing a plan ahead of time so that you feel prepared to cope effectively with the situation. Example: “If I begin to feel anxious when talking to a coworker in person, I will practice using the half smile skill because I know that our facial expressions are partially linked to our feelings.”

Certainly, any change can feel challenging. It is crucial to be mindful that the training of one’s mind is similar to training for a marathon, it does take time. In various ways the pandemic experience has been a detour in many people’s lives. Therefore, realize that DBT skills can help better enable your post pandemic return and put you back on the road to YOUR FUTURE.

Managing Family Dynamics by Walking the Middle Path

By: Michelle Bottone, LMFT

It has been nearly a year since many of us have been working remotely along with our children who must also learn remotely in the same environment. It was difficult to navigate both work and family obligations pre-COVID 19. Given the current challenges, the stress level of parents and children have been significantly exacerbated. Do you find yourself struggling with parenting during COVID? When you are in conflict with your child, do you feel like you are playing a game of Tug of War? Well, it is time to drop that Tug of War rope.

Walking the middle path is a skill in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that fosters balance and letting go of polarized perspectives.

Scenario: Mother notices her child curled up and crying.

Be Dialectical.

Stay away from stating extreme responses such as “always and never”.  Search for the kernel of truth in what your child is saying to you. The dialectical approach is that there is no absolute truth and many alternative truths. Things are not black and white, there is a grey area, and that change is transactional and inevitable.

Mother: “I see tears. I’d love for you to tell me what’s bothering you.”

Child: “I feel overwhelmed by my schoolwork and I miss my friends.”

Validate your child.

Validation is imperative for all relationships. When we validate someone, we are acknowledging their thoughts, feelings and behaviors based on the current situation. Avoid blaming and judging. Research indicates that a child’s emotional stress can elevate significantly with high levels of invalidation.

Mother: “It makes sense that you are overwhelmed by school and miss your friends.”

Changing behavior.

Reinforce small steps towards the behavior you would like to see. It is crucial to reinforce the positive behavior directly after it occurs and at every opportunity that it presents itself. Decrease undesired behaviors through reasonable consequences. Be mindful that extinction of a behavior leads first to a burst of the behavior and then it will start to decrease overtime. Also, realize that extinction and punishment do not teach a new behavior, therefore, a new positive behavior needs to put it in its place.

Mother: “I noticed earlier today that you were able to take a 10-minute break and then go back to doing your schoolwork. Great job! If you complete another hour of schoolwork, perhaps you would like to Facetime with one of your friends.”

When we are highly stressed, it can cause us to become reactive. We may become locked into a position of rigidity and unwilling to compromise. Walking the middle path opens up lines of communication between you and your child. By actively making an effort to reduce your own emotional responses, behaviors and ways of thinking, you are directly modeling healthy skills and flexibility. Particularly for a child living through this pandemic, feeling understood and connected can make the critical difference during this time of ongoing uncertainty. 

 

 

Ch-Ch-Changes: Embracing Change through Dialectical Thinking

By Michelle Bottone, LMFT

In the David Bowie song, Changes, the lyrics ring out, “Turn and face the strange”. These lyrics echo a truth about the world of which people have become acutely aware in the last year: change inevitably occurs throughout our lives. Change is our constant companion in life. It will challenge us, and at times nudge us out of our comfort zone. It can cause significant discomfort as with a job loss, a relationship ending, or a death of a loved one. Change can also be liberating and fulfilling. Resistance to change often manifests as denying reality (“This cannot be happening to me!”), bargaining with reality (“If I don’t ever do that again, do you think you could still love me?”), resentment (“This is not fair!”), and excessive, unrelenting anger. However, resistance amplifies suffering and unfortunately, does not help people adapt to the change more effectively.  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), dialectical approach framework can be fundamental in enhancing one’s capacity for coping, understanding, and tolerating change.

1. Let go of assumptions and using extreme language.

"I am never going to be able to move on." Have you ever told yourself this? Utilizing words such as "always" and "never" are polarizing, limiting beliefs. Additionally, it is a type of assumption that narrows our thinking and generates nondialectical behavior. An example of a dialectical statement would be, "I feel down about losing my job. I am going to have to make an effort to seek new opportunities".

2. Practice Radical Acceptance.

When we resist reality, we increase our pain and suffering. In order to live freely and fully, we must acknowledge and accept reality as it is, good, bad and everything in-between. Acceptance is not the same as approval. For example, you might be upset that your relationship with your significant other is over. However, to move on and be open to new love you must accept that the relationship has ended, and all the sadness that that reality brings.

3. Practice becoming familiar with change.

Take small steps towards discomfort and trying something new. Ask a colleague whom you typically would not reach out to for their opinion on a project. It can be as simple as choosing a new interest or hobby. Research indicates that when we experience an entirely new circumstance, a distinctive part of the brain is activated and releases dopamine (reward/motivation chemical).