Parenting Therapy: Strategies for Raising Resilient and Emotionally Healthy Children

Raising children can be incredibly rewarding, but it can also come with challenges that leave you feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

As a parent, you want to make sure your child grows up resilient and emotionally healthy, but figuring out how to support them through difficult times isn’t always easy.

This is where parenting therapy can help.

By exploring effective strategies tailored to your family’s unique needs, parenting therapy provides the guidance and tools to nurture your child’s emotional well-being and foster a strong, supportive relationship.

Let’s look at the benefits and strategies offered by parenting therapy, helping you raise resilient and emotionally healthy children.

Why is it Important to Raise Resilient Children?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenges and adapt to life’s hurdles. This means developing a strong mindset that enables children to face setbacks confidently.

Why is resilience so crucial?

Life will inevitably present difficulties—academic pressures, social conflicts, or personal losses. Resilient kids are better equipped to navigate these obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

Additionally, resilience fosters emotional strength. It helps children understand their emotions and encourages them to view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable barriers.

By cultivating resilience early on, parents can lay the groundwork for their children’s future success in various life aspects— school, relationships, or career endeavors.

Strategies for Raising Resilient and Emotionally Healthy Children

As a parent, you can foster resilience and promote emotional health in your children in many ways.

Here are some strategies to get you started:

  1. Validate Your Child’s Emotions: This means acknowledging and accepting their feelings, even if we don’t agree with them.

When we validate our children’s emotions, we teach them that their feelings are important and worthy of recognition.

This helps them develop a healthy relationship with their emotions and promotes emotional intelligence.

  1. Encourage Problem-Solving: Instead of always fixing our children’s problems for them, we can encourage them to come up with their solutions.

This teaches them to think critically and develop problem-solving skills essential for resilience.

  1. Model Healthy Coping Strategies: Our children learn from watching us, so it is important to model healthy coping strategies. This can include taking breaks when feeling overwhelmed, discussing our feelings, and practicing self-care.
  2. Teach Positive Self-Talk: We can teach our children to use positive self-talk by modeling it and encouraging them to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

What Role Does DBT and CBT Play in Parenting Therapy?

DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can be valuable tools in parenting therapy.

Here are some ways DBT and CBT can be applied in parenting therapy:

  1. Emotion Regulation: In parenting therapy, these skills can be applied to help parents manage their own emotions and model healthy emotional regulation for their children.
  2. Communication Skills: DBT and CBT can teach parents to communicate effectively with their children, including using active listening skills, healthy expressing emotions, and setting boundaries.
  3. Problem-Solving: DBT and CBT focus on problem-solving skills, which can be applied in parenting therapy to help parents and children work through conflicts and challenges.

Effective Parenting Therapy at Behavioral Psych Studio

At Behavioral Psych Studio, we know parenting isn’t always easy, and we’re here to help.

We use proven methods like CBT and DBT to give you the tools you need to help your kids grow up resilient and emotionally healthy.

Schedule an appointment today.

DBT vs. CBT in Treating Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and depression can leave you feeling uncertain about the best path to recovery. DBT and CBT are two effective therapies, each with its approach to treatment. 

But how do you decide which one is right for you? 

Let’s explore the differences between DBT vs. CBT so you can better understand their unique strengths and make a more informed choice for your mental health. 

Understanding these options can bring you closer to finding the support that meets your needs.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. 

It is based on the idea that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected and can influence each other. 

CBT aims to help individuals become aware of their thoughts, challenge and reframe negative thinking patterns, and learn healthier coping skills.

What is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that was originally developed to treat individuals with borderline personality disorder. 

It combines elements of CBT with mindfulness practices and dialectics, which are philosophical principles that emphasize finding the balance between opposing ideas. 

DBT focuses on helping individuals regulate their emotions, improve their relationships, and develop skills to cope with distress.

DBT vs. CBT: What are the Similarities?

Here are some key similarities between DBT and CBT that highlight how both therapies work to support mental health:

DBT vs. CBT: What are the Key Differences?

DBT and CBT are evidence-based but differ in their approaches and focus areas. 

CBT primarily helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns that influence behavior and emotions, making it effective for anxiety and depression. 

On the other hand, DBT, a form of CBT, adds strategies for emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, making it especially useful for individuals with intense emotional experiences or borderline personality disorder. 

DBT vs. CBT: Which is Better for Treating Anxiety and Depression?

Both DBT and CBT have been extensively researched and found to be effective in treating anxiety and depression. 

The choice between DBT and CBT may depend on the individual's needs and preferences.

Individuals can also benefit from combining both therapies, complementing each other in focusing on acceptance and change.

DBT and CBT for Anxiety and Depression at Behavioral Psych Studio

At Behavioral Psych Studio, we understand that choosing the right therapy is crucial in your journey to mental wellness. 

Our compassionate and experienced team is well-equipped to use DBT and CBT, tailoring our approach to meet your needs. 

Whether you're dealing with anxiety, depression, or complex emotional challenges, we’re here to support you. 

Contact us today.

Family Therapy: How It Helps Heal Complex Family Dynamics and Trauma

Family dynamics can be complicated, and when trauma is involved, the emotional strain can feel overwhelming. 

You might struggle to communicate with loved ones, feel misunderstood, or even isolated within your family. The right support can make all the difference in these moments. 

Family therapy helps by providing a space where everyone can be heard and understood and heal together. 

This blog post will explore how family therapy can guide your family toward stronger, healthier relationships.

What is Family Therapy?

Family therapy, or family counseling, is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on the dynamics and relationships within a family unit. 

It involves multiple family members attending sessions with a trained therapist, who acts as a mediator and guide.

Family counseling aims to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen relationships within the family. 

It acknowledges that the larger family system often influences individual issues and behaviors; therefore, the whole family must be involved in the healing process. 

What are the Common Issues Addressed in Family Counseling?

Family therapy can be helpful for a wide range of issues and challenges that families may face. 

Some of the most common issues addressed in family therapy include:

  1. Trauma: Traumatic experiences, such as physical or emotional abuse, can have a profound impact on individuals and their families.

Family therapy can help families heal from the effects of trauma and rebuild trust and safety within the family unit.

  1. Conflict Resolution: All families experience conflicts, but when they become persistent and destructive, they can significantly damage relationships. 

Family counseling can help families learn healthy ways to resolve conflicts and prevent them from escalating.

  1. Parent-Child Relationship Issues: Parenting can be a challenging and overwhelming experience, and it's not uncommon for parents to struggle with their children's behavior or development. 

Guided family therapy sessions can help parents and children strengthen their relationships and learn effective parenting strategies.

  1. Blended Family Challenges: When families merge, there can be many adjustments and conflicts as everyone navigates their new roles and relationships. 

Family therapy can help blended families work through these challenges and create a harmonious dynamic.

What Approaches are Featured in Family Therapy?

There are various approaches to working with families, each offering unique techniques and philosophies tailored to different needs.

These include:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT helps families identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, replacing them with positive, effective alternatives. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is particularly useful for improving communication, resolving conflicts, addressing parenting challenges, and managing mental health issues like anxiety or depression.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Combining CBT with mindfulness, DBT helps regulate emotions and enhance relationships.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is ideal for families dealing with intense emotions or communication difficulties. Skills like distress tolerance and emotion regulation are key components.

Narrative Therapy

This approach empowers families to reshape their stories, focusing on their strengths and resilience. 

It’s especially helpful for those dealing with trauma, as it allows families to reclaim their narratives and find new meaning in their experiences.

Family Counseling at Behavioral Psych Studio

At Behavioral Psych Studio, we support families through tough situations in a caring and safe environment. 

Using proven therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we help improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen relationships. 

If you're dealing with trauma or other challenges, we're here to help you build a healthier, happier family life. 

Contact us today to start improving your family dynamics.

The Benefits of Couples Counseling: Strengthening Relationships Through Therapy

Feeling stuck in your relationship can be overwhelming, with communication breaking down and tensions rising. Couples counseling offers a lifeline to those who want to repair and strengthen their connection. 

By exploring the benefits of couples counseling, you can find ways to rebuild trust, improve communication, and deepen your bond. 

Let’s discuss how therapy provides a compassionate space to address the challenges that may pull you apart, helping you and your partner grow closer and more resilient.

What is Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling, also known as relationship therapy or marriage counseling, is a form of psychotherapy designed to help you and your partner resolve conflicts and improve your relationship. 

It involves working with a licensed therapist who has specialized training in working with couples.

Couples counseling aims to help you and your spouse identify and address the underlying issues that are causing problems in your relationship. 

This can include communication difficulties, conflicts, trust issues, and other challenges hindering your ability to connect and maintain a healthy relationship.

What are Some Common Issues Addressed in Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling can address various issues that couples may face. 

Some of the most common relationship issues addressed in therapy include:

  1. Communication Problems: Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When communication breaks down, it can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and feelings of resentment. 
  2. Trust Issues: Trust is crucial to a strong relationship. When trust is broken due to infidelity or other forms of betrayal, it can be challenging to repair. 
  3. Conflict Resolution: All couples experience conflicts from time to time. However, when conflicts become frequent and unresolved, they can damage the relationship. 
  4. Intimacy and Sexual Issues: Intimacy and sexual problems can also arise in a relationship, causing tension and distance between partners.
  5. Life Transitions: Changes such as starting a family, moving to a new city, or changing careers can strain relationships. 
  6. Emotional Dysregulation: Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulties managing and expressing emotions healthily and appropriately. 

What are the Benefits of Therapy for Couples?

Booking sessions with a couples therapist can be a game-changer for your relationship. 

Here are some of the benefits you can expect from couples counseling:

  1. Improved Communication: Couples counseling can help you and your spouse learn how to communicate more effectively, listen to each other's needs, and express your needs without causing harm.

This can lead to a deeper understanding and connection between the both of you.

  1. A Safe Space to Address Issues: Couples counseling provides a safe and neutral environment to address issues without judgment. 

This can be especially helpful if you or your partner have difficulty discussing sensitive topics or have a history of unresolved conflicts.

  1. Increased Understanding and Empathy: Couples counseling can also help you better understand each other's perspectives, needs, and feelings. 
  2. Tools and Strategies for a Healthy Relationship: A couples therapist can provide you and your partner with practical tools and strategies to improve your relationship. 

These may include communication techniques, conflict resolution skills, and ways to strengthen intimacy and connection. 

  1. Prevention of Future Issues: Couples counseling not only addresses current issues but also helps prevent future problems from arising. 

Behavioral Psych Studio Offers Relationship Therapy to Help Couples Reconnect

At Behavioral Psych Studio, we understand the complexities of relationships and offer a non-judgmental space where couples can address their concerns openly. 

Our experienced therapists are dedicated to helping you and your partner work through challenges, improve communication, and strengthen your bond. 

Schedule an appointment with us today. 

The Cycle of Anxiety: Breaking Free with CBT

Have you ever felt like you’re caught in an endless loop of worry, where every anxious thought feeds into the next, creating a never-ending cycle of fear and unease? If so, you are not alone. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults every year, according to the CDC. Yet, despite its prevalence, many people feel trapped by their anxiety, unsure of how to break free from its grip.

The Cycle of Anxiety

Anxiety often begins with a single thought or concern. Maybe it’s a worry about an upcoming presentation, a health scare, or even a social event. This thought triggers a cascade of physical symptoms: a racing heart, sweaty palms, or a tightening in the chest. In response to these uncomfortable feelings, we might try to avoid the situation or engage in other safety behaviors—things people do to lower their anxiety when there is a perceived threat. Examples of safety behaviors include checking and rechecking your presentation multiple times to make sure there are no mistakes, excessively seeking reassurance from others that you are in perfect health, or bringing a good luck charm with you wherever you go. While these actions might provide short-term relief from anxiety, initially easing our discomfort and making the situation seem more manageable, they reinforce the anxiety in the long run, keeping us stuck in a cycle that’s hard to escape. 

Thankfully, there’s hope. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers effective strategies for breaking the cycle of anxiety. By focusing on the interplay between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, CBT helps individuals develop healthier ways to cope. Here are three key CBT techniques to manage anxiety:

  1. Behavioral Experiments

Behavioral experiments involve testing out new behaviors to see if your anxious predictions come true. Here’s how they work:

  1. Exposures

Exposure therapy is a cornerstone of CBT for anxiety. It involves gradually facing feared situations or objects in a controlled and systematic way. By doing so, you can reduce your fear response over time. For instance, if you have a fear of public speaking, you might start by speaking in front of a small, supportive group and gradually work your way up to larger audiences. The key is consistency and patience, as repeated exposure helps to desensitize the anxiety trigger and allows you to see that you were able to face your fears without running away from them. Exposures include the following elements:

  1. Cognitive Strategies

Cognitive strategies, such as cognitive reappraisal, help you identify, challenge, and change unhelpful thought patterns. When practicing this strategy, try the following:

Applying These Skills: A Practical Example

Let's take the example of someone who feels anxious about driving.

Combining these CBT techniques provides a comprehensive approach to managing anxiety. By regularly practicing these skills, individuals can disrupt the cycle of anxiety, reduce avoidance behaviors, and build confidence in their ability to handle anxiety-provoking situations.

Conclusion

Breaking free from the cycle of anxiety isn’t easy, but it’s possible with the right tools and strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers a structured and effective approach to understanding and managing anxiety. By experimenting with new behaviors, facing your fears, and challenging unhelpful thoughts, you can take control of your anxiety rather than letting it control you. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone—seek support from a therapist or support group to guide you on your journey.

Happy Emotional Independence Day: Let's start today!

How to gain emotional independence – 3 simple ways to start today OR Happy Emotional Independence: Let's start today!

Do you feel like you’re consistently putting out fires for your loved ones? Or maybe you’re on the other side, and your loved ones seem like they’re always putting out your fires. When we don’t know how to regulate our own emotions it can seem like we are unintentional arsonists in need of a firefighter (supportive loved one) to redeem us. When our firefighters come to our rescue, we may feel reassured or validated. They make us feel like we aren’t crazy, and our emotions are valid. They cool us down and might even do damage control for us while we bask in their comfort.

Now, you might be reading this and think, “Yes! [insert loved one’s name] is my firefighter, and I’m so happy I have them in my life.” And I’d agree with you; it’s helpful to have supportive firefighters when we are going through life stressors. However, if you are an "unintentional arsonist" who feels like they consistently set fires, your firefighters may become burnt out if we do not know how to put out our own fires or prevent them from starting. In addition, our firefighters occasionally have their own fires to put out, which may prevent them from putting out yours. When we don’t have the skills to regulate our own emotions, it can lead to various problems in our relationship and possibly exacerbate our fires.

If this sounds like you, it might be time to gain some emotional independence and learn how to be your own firefighter. Emotional independence is the ability to manage your own emotions without the need for others’ approval, attention, or validation. Before you continue reading, it is important to pause and reflect on what emotional independence means to you. Is this important to you? Are you exhausted from not knowing how to put out your fires? We are laying down our matches and picking up our coping tools. Below are three simple ways we can practice emotional independence today:

1. Incorporating mindfulness into your day

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is being aware of what is happening inside you, such as your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations, as well as your surroundings.

Why do we care?

Mindfulness allows us to observe our internal and external processes without reacting to them. Have you ever done a behavior and instantly regretted it? You might have even explained yourself to someone saying, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” Often when we feel strong emotions, we might not notice our urge to do a behavior, and we just do it. Mindfulness slows this process down so we can notice our emotions and our action urge, which will help us gain control of our emotions so that we do not do a behavior that we might regret.

How do we do it?

Mindfulness is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened by LOTS of practice. This may look like doing one task at a time, such as watching your favorite TV show and only paying attention to the episode. When a thought arises about a previous episode, you notice it and redirect your attention back to the show. It can also look like noticing your own judgments (both good and bad) while watching the show. You may notice body sensations while watching the show and simply observe them before returning your attention to the show. If you are consistently redirecting your attention back to the activity, you are practicing mindfulness.

2.Challenge your thoughts

What is a thought?

Our thoughts are simply sensations bouncing around in our minds. They are not facts, no matter how loud they sound, how long they stay, or how frequently they come. I like to think of our thoughts as guests. You get to choose how long they stay and how you interact with them.

Why do we care?

When we treat our thoughts as facts, it can lead to emotional suffering and possibly regrettable behavior. Agreeing with our thoughts can often lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever thought that someone did not like you, so then you acted disinterested in them? And because you acted disinterested, they probably started to not like you. That is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe they didn’t like you to begin with, or maybe your thoughts just led you to believe that, so you made it come true with your behaviors.

How do we do it?

When we challenge our thoughts, we counteract them by formulating our own thoughts. This may include logically arguing against your thought, checking the facts on your thought by looking at the evidence for/against it, doing the exact opposite of what your thought wants you to do to see if it’s true (i.e., thinking that if you don’t wear makeup, then your crush won’t like you anymore so you don’t wear makeup), or coping ahead with the imagined negative consequence (i.e., afraid to get fired from your job so you imagine what you would do to cope with getting fired).

3.Practice self-validation

What is self-validation?

Self-validation is when you find the kernel of truth in the situation you face and tell yourself that your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors make sense. It is NOT giving approval, encouragement, or compliments.

Why do we care?

When we self-validate, it lowers our emotional arousal so that problem-solving is possible. It also alleviates some pressure on our firefighters for needing them to validate us when we are upset.

How do we do it?

When you self-validate, make sure that you are only validating the valid and not the invalid. For example, if I yelled at my friend for forgetting to pick me up, I might validate my frustration, disappointment, or urge to yell. I would not validate the behavior of yelling. Self-validation may also look like acknowledging your emotions in the present without trying to avoid or push them away. For example, if I am frustrated about my friend forgetting to pick me up, then I would say, “I’m really frustrated right now” and sit in that frustration rather than telling myself “I shouldn’t be upset.”

Linehan, M., M., (2015). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

How to Achieve More Balanced Sleep

Many people struggle with sleep. Whether it’s falling asleep, staying asleep, or getting enough sleep it is extremely frustrating since it is partly out of your control. Good news- there actually is a lot in your control to improve your sleep.

 

  1. Stick to a bedtime and wake-up routine. While it’s understandable to want to stay up late and sleep in on weekends, try not to get too far off schedule. It’s a myth that we can “catch up” on sleep the next night. To get better sleep we need to have a better routine. It’s easy to get distracted by the activities we are doing and accidentally stay up later than we intended. To help with this, try setting an alarm on your phone 60 minutes before you want to sleep. This will be a cue to stop and start getting ready for bed as intended. Your bedtime routine can include a relaxing activity to help wind down for the night. This can be a mindfulness activity, reading, light stretching, taking a warm bath, or drawing. If you’re consistently going to sleep around the same time, it will be easier to wake up at the same time.

 

  1. If you wake up at a certain time in the middle of the night consistently, set an alarm for a few minutes beforehand and then see if there is a particular noise that is waking you up. I’ve been woken up to printers and robot vacuums turning on and then learned they were accidentally preprogrammed to turn on in the middle of the night! Once we know what it is we can problem-solve and reset those devices!

 

  1. If you wake up frequently in the middle of the night make sure you aren’t being productive- avoid work, laundry, meal preparations, etc. Although this may be tempting, it can accidentally train you to get up to tackle your to-do list!

 

  1. What to avoid right before bed: Heavy meals, drinking too many liquids, caffeine, nicotine, exercising, TV, or other screens. Note: Phones and smaller devices are even worse than TV because the screen is closer to your face. Also, it’s a myth that alcohol helps with sleep. While some people may report it helps them fall asleep, alcohol will decrease the quality of your sleep and prompt you to wake up earlier.

 

  1. More things to avoid:

 

  1. If you struggle to stop worrying and can’t fall asleep, it is recommended to leave your bed. Remember we are trying to only associate bed with sleep, not worrying. When you get up, assess if you’re hungry, and if so, have a light snack. Otherwise, try a relaxing activity, such as having a cup of decaffeinated tea, reading a book, listening to a podcast or music, or drawing. These are similar activities to help wind down before bed. Do the activity for about 30-60 minutes and then try falling asleep. Keep doing this until you can fall asleep.

 

  1. Lastly, avoid worrying about how bad the next day will be! We tend to think about how terrible the next day will be if we get poor sleep. We imagine doing horribly at our job or on a test or being so incapable of doing what we need to do. Unbalanced sleep increases our vulnerability ANDyou’ve survived every “next day.” We may not be performing at our best, we may need to be more compassionate with ourselves, and we will likely do just fine the next day.

 

Sleep difficulties can be very frustrating. I hope these tips help you get more restful sleep. For additional help, contact a mental health professional who specializes in insomnia.

 

Sources:

Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBTI). Stanford Health Care. (2017, September 12). https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/c/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-insomnia.html

Rathus, J. H., & Miller, A. L. (2015). DBT®skills manual for adolescents. Guilford Press.

 

How to Self Validate

how to self validate infographic

What is validation?

Validation is the recognition that another person’s experience (or our own) makes sense, is logical, fits the facts, and is reasonable. We can validate actions or internal experiences like feelings, thoughts, opinions, desires, and beliefs. Validation makes us feel heard and understood, which not only can provide us with reassurance, but also helps to regulate our emotions. A validating statement could be as simple as someone saying, “It makes sense that you feel that way”, or “I would have totally reacted in the same manner”. It’s someone offering us a blanket when we are shivering cold and it’s also someone listening attentively when sharing a personal story.

What is invalidation?

Invalidation is just the opposite. It is the dismissal, rejection, disapproval, or disbelief of another person’s experience. It is when someone communicates either directly or indirectly that our actions or internal experiences do not make sense. Invalidation can be communicated through someone’s words (e.g. “You’re overreacting! You don’t need to worry so much.”); through body language (e.g. eye rolling, scoffing); or through actions (e.g. interrupting or changing the subject).

Whereas validation provides us with a sense of safety and helps to regulate our emotional responses, invalidation can have the opposite effect. Validation makes our experience seem acceptable and therefore makes US seem acceptable. Similarly, when feeling invalidated, we can sometimes generalize the invalidating experience to mean that we as people, not just the pieces of us being invalidated, are not acceptable. In response, we could feel a host of unpleasant emotions and negative self-judgments (or judgments towards the person who invalidated us). Both put us at risk for unskillful behavior.

Coping with Invalidation through the Power of Self-Validation

Self-validation is necessary for everyone and is of utmost importance for those of us that have been subject to invalidating experiences repeatedly. It is a helpful coping strategy to combat the effects of invalidation, but also an extremely useful tool in response to general life stressors and challenging emotions. If the invalidating person in your life is yourself, listen carefully😉

Before getting into the steps of how to self-validate, first let’s talk about the why. Studies have demonstrated that validation produces the following benefits: Lowered emotional arousal, improved emotion regulation and increases in positive affect. Additionally, applying self-validation (and reducing self-invalidation) will result in increases in positive self image.

Ways to Self Validate

  1. Pay Attention to YOU

When experiencing invalidation, take pause. Give your emotions your full attention. Notice what you are feeling even if you don’t know what it is and even if it is unpleasant. Being validated by someone else often starts with them giving us their full attention. When we are ignored, we feel worse. The same applies to the self. Ignoring your own experience or minimizing it as unimportant is going to do the same. Paying attention is simply taking stalk of what is going on for you. It is giving yourself the time of day. It is approaching your experience with openness and interest.

  1. Describe your experience without judging it

This involves putting words to your experience. Remember, by “experience” we mean emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, and actions. This could be saying to yourself, “I am feeling sad” or, “I am having the thought that I didn’t do so well on that presentation”, or “I am experiencing tightness in my chest and an urge to cry”. We don’t need to know what we are feeling or even have a clear articulation of our thoughts to do this. It can also look like “I don’t know what I am feeling right now but I am know it is a lot”. What’s really neat about this step is that the simple act of observing and describing our feelings can actually serve to regulate our emotions! It provides with just enough distance from our experience to help regulate our responses as well.

  1. Tune in

Ask yourself, “What might my emotions be trying to communicate to me?” Get curious about what your emotions might be trying to tell you about what you need. If you were feeling sad, perhaps crying, and someone offered you a hug, that would be validating right? This step is similar. Your tears communicated to someone that you were sad and in need of soothing. What can you do to honor your emotions that would have a similar effect? Self-validation could look like drawing yourself a warm bath or tucking yourself into your favorite blanket. And it could also include offering yourself a kind, encouraging statement.

  1. Acknowledge the causes

Ask yourself, “What makes sense about my emotions, thoughts, or actions based on what I know about myself and my history?” It is important to consider our experience within the context of our entire life and our learning history. For example, if as a child I struggled with homework tasks and was frequently punished because of it, it would make sense that I feel a surge of emotions when my therapist assigns me “homework” at the end of a session. Perhaps I feel a strong urge to avoid the task due to this negative association. I can acknowledge that fear makes sense given my negative experiences attached to homework (while also recognizing how the current situation is different).

  1. Normalize your experience

Highlight for yourself that any person in your situation would think or feel or behave similarly. You are not alone in your responses. Stand up for yourself and the validity of your experience, even in the face of invalidation. For example, let’s say you had a vacation booked for April 2nd, 2020. You are planning on going to a place you have always dreamed of. You saved your money, you banked your vacation time, you spent weeks, maybe even months, planning this trip. But, uh oh, COVID happened. Naturally, you are incredibly disappointed that your vacation plans have been cancelled. You may have the thought, “I don’t deserve to feel sad or angry about this [invalidation] because there are people going through worse things in the world”. Yes, there are people suffering AND, yes, you are entitled to feel disappointed. Both can be true. Any person would feel disappointed if they were looking forward to something so intensely and that something was taken away from them.

  1. Treat yourself with respect

Talk to yourself the way you would a loved one. Treat yourself the way you would treat anyone else going through a similar experience. In this step, you are validating the person as whole, not just your experience. As mentioned, invalidation can make us as a person feel invalid. The inverse is true of validation: Validating our experience is going to increase our own sense of personal validity. This might be in direct contrast to how you feel or have been treated by others who consistently invalidated you, which is also why this last step is essential towards healing. If you are feeling stuck, consider what you might tell a loved one going through something similar and then send that message right back to you. The rules are not different for you – you are just as deserving as this validating message.

Disclaimer: Self-validation takes patience, practice and may involve acting opposite of your emotion urges. If it feels uncomfortable to do, perhaps you can start by simply validating what makes sense about your discomfort around self validation! (E.g. “It makes sense that I would feel uncomfortable with self-validation as I’m not used to doing it”.)

 

Fruzzetti, A., & Ruork, A. (2018). Validation Principles and Practices in Dialectical Behavior Therapy of a single chapter of a title in Oxford Handbooks Online for personal use (for details see Privacy Policy). Validation Principles and Practices in Dialectical Behavior Therapy Oxford Handbooks Online. https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780198758723.013.50

Linehan, M. M. (2015). Dbt skills training manual. Guilford Publications.

‌Linehan, M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

 

Opposite Action

Be honest - have you ever felt overwhelmed with a task, so much so that you put it off for days, or weeks, or even months? Lately, I have been thinking about avoidance and its effect on people.

When we avoid something, such as doing our laundry, cleaning the dishes, or generally taking care of ourselves and our commitments, we give ourselves temporary relief. And when I say temporary, I mean it. Later on, the task feels even more overwhelming than it did when we first noticed it. What's the common denominator here? Emotions. 


In DBT we teach a skill called Opposite Action as part of our Emotion Regulation module. Opposite Action is a skill that helps us to make effective changes by activating the opposite of our current mood-dependent urges. I love using this skill when I “feel stuck.” One example is when the emotion name is anxiety and the ineffective urge is to avoid. 

Opposite Action asks us to face avoidance by identify it as an action urge in response to fear and/or anxiety. It then asks us to question, “Is my urge to avoid going to help me reach my long-term goal and be effective?” If the answer is “no,” we do the opposite and we approach instead of avoid. Our bodies and minds may be sending us the message that we should keep away from the thing we are putting off. This is why DBT teaches us to act opposite fully, meaning all the way! This means applying the skill using your mind, body and soul, such as the statement “fake it till you make it.” This will interrupt the pattern of mood-dependent behavior and make room for new neural pathways to develop.

For some it may be more difficult to use Opposite Action with emotions like sadness and fear. Sadness and fear are two emotions that often urge us to act in ways that keep us feeling stuck. When we feel depressed, we may have urges to isolate, hide, stay still and essentially do nothing. 

In this case, we can use Opposite Action to break down our task into small, bite-sized pieces, which will make it easier to start. The first step is always the hardest. Imagine getting out of bed as your task: Opening your eyes, sitting up, taking the covers off of you, shifting your body to the side of the bed, dangling your feet off the side of the bed, putting your feet on the ground, and standing up! Sometimes we may notice judgmental thoughts trying to sabotage us from using Opposite Action, such as “This is stupid” or “This should be easy.” Remind yourself that little steps lead to big steps. 

Using Opposite Action can make a big difference in our daily lives. Remember to thoroughly identify what emotion you are experiencing, what it is urging you to do, and if that action will be effective. If it is not effective, whole-heartedly throw yourself in the other direction! I highly recommend trying this in the face of ineffective urges.  As one of my therapist friends says to me, “Something is better than nothing! You can do it!”

2024 calls for more Willing hands + Half-smiling

We often think about what we might change when considering our New Years Resolutions. How can I improve? What can I work harder on? How can I further myself? What do I need to change about myself so that I can then accept myself?

While change is important, and while we can always “do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change,” per Marsha Linehan’s DBT assumptions, for some of us a far more underdeveloped skill set is that of acceptance.

If you have found yourself geared towards change-based resolutions in past years, I encourage you to bulk up on your acceptance-based practices in 2024.

Accepting what is out of our control, accepting what “is,” and accepting what we cannot change in this moment are valuable tools, that when practiced can improve our quality of life tremendously by reducing our suffering.

We can practice acceptance with our mind, body, and soul. To jump start your practice, I will offer two DBT reality acceptance skills that begin with the body.

Have you ever noticed that when you are fighting your reality, your body is tight, tense, and unrelaxed? You may feel like you are bracing yourself for some threat that may never come.

We can reduce our suffering by communicating to our mind that our body is safe through two simple exercises: Willing hands and half-smiling.

Willing hands is a practice that involves uncrossing our arms, unclenching our fists, and opening our palms. We can even face our palms up to the sky in a relaxed way. This posture is the opposite of a defensive, cross-armed, or clenched posture and communicates that we are receiving whatever may come. We resist resisting and open ourselves up to our reality. This skill can be adapted to sitting, standing, and seated postures. Prompting events for this skill might include feeling anxious on the subway, feeling angered at the dinner table, or when receiving a disturbing message from a friend.

The second skill is called Half-smiling. Similar in theme, this change in body involves first relaxing the muscles of the face and then slightly curving the corners of the lips upward into a “half smile.” This communicates to our brain that we are calm and relaxed. Prompting events for this skill might include when feeling frustrated completing a task for work, while holding a difficult yoga posture, or when you notice you are ruminating while walking down the street.

To watch Marsha Linehan herself teach Willing Hands check out her demonstration.