By Bethesda Yohannes, LMSW. 

Just because we love our family doesn't mean we always get along with them. In fact, few things can dysregulate us faster than the people who know us best. That's what makes family vacations so bittersweet and sometimes incredibly challenging to navigate.

Between having little personal space, managing everyone's expectations, and dealing with the inevitable family conflict, spending extended time together can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted and counting down the days until you can go home. Before you know it, you're one minor inconvenience away from a full Britney Spears meltdown.

This summer, I want you to think of these DBT skills as your emotional life jacket, the tools that can help keep you afloat when family dynamics start pulling you under.

Let’s go to the basics.

While everyone loves a vacation as a break from the realities of everyday life, family vacations can also throw us off routines that help keep us emotionally regulated. Changes in sleep schedules, eating habits, and daily structure can make us more vulnerable to stress and emotional reactivity.

On top of that, spending significantly more time together can leave us with less emotional recovery time and fewer opportunities to recharge. Before you know it, you're one disagreement away from turning a family vacation into a full-blown WWE match. That's where the DBT PLEASE skills come in. These skills help us stay on top of our basic physical needs so we're better equipped to regulate our emotions, manage stress, and survive family vacation season with our sanity intact. Below are the PLEASE skills explained.

Physical health

It's important to take care of our physical health. That means staying on top of things like taking your vitamins, following your prescribed medications, and treating illnesses when they come up. When our bodies aren't feeling their best, regulating our emotions becomes much more difficult.

Balanced Eating

No skipping meals! It's important to eat balanced meals and foods that help keep you regulated. What that looks like may be different for everyone, so pay attention to what your body needs. You know yourself best. If too much sugar tends to make you irritable or cranky, try to enjoy it in moderation during your family trip.

It can also be helpful to plan ahead by making restaurant reservations or creating a loose meal plan before your trip. Having a plan in place can make it easier to stay nourished, avoid hanger-induced arguments, and keep your emotions in check.

Sleep

Your body needs rest. Sleep can be one of the hardest parts of a vacation because it’s tempting to stay up late and squeeze every bit of fun out of the day. However, getting enough sleep is essential for both your physical and emotional well-being.

It's important to remember that sleep is how your body recharges, and unfortunately, we can't truly make up for lost sleep. When we consistently get less rest than we need, our bodies and our moods feel the effects.

The amount of sleep each person needs varies, and you know your body best. That said, most adults function best with around 7–9 hours of sleep each night. Prioritizing rest during your trip can help you stay energized, emotionally regulated, and less likely to snap at your family over something minor.

Avoid Mind-Altering Substances

Mind-altering substances such as alcohol, excessive caffeine, or other drugs can make it harder to regulate your emotions and increase the likelihood of reacting impulsively. While avoiding these substances altogether may not be realistic for everyone, it's important to be mindful of how they affect you.

If you choose to consume them during your vacation, try to do so in moderation and check in with yourself regularly. Pay attention to how you're feeling, both physically and emotionally. The goal isn't perfection. It's avoiding the point where a little too much turns a minor family disagreement into a major conflict.

Exercise

Get your body moving! If the word "exercise" makes you want to immediately close this blog post, think of it simply as movement instead. Going for a walk, swimming, dancing, stretching, or participating in a family activity all count. Movement helps release endorphins, those feel-good chemicals that can boost your mood, reduce stress, and make it easier to manage difficult emotions.

Now that we've talked about reducing your vulnerability to emotional dysregulation, let's talk about boundaries. Boundaries and family can sometimes feel like oil and water, they don't always mix easily. But that doesn't mean we stop setting boundaries. In fact, family vacations often require us to be even more intentional, proactive, and consistent with them.

When you're sharing close quarters, navigating different personalities, and spending more time together than usual, boundaries become an essential tool for protecting your peace and preventing resentment from building up.

One DBT skill that can be especially helpful is DEAR MAN. This skill provides a clear structure for communicating your needs, setting boundaries, and making requests effectively, even when family dynamics make those conversations challenging. Below, we'll break down each part of DEAR MAN and how you can use it during your next family vacation.

Describe the situation

The first step is to describe the situation that is leading you to have the conversation. When doing this, focus only on the facts. In DBT, facts are things that can be directly observed through your senses—what you saw, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled.

This means avoiding assumptions, interpretations, or judgments about the other person's intentions. Sticking to the facts helps keep the conversation grounded and reduces the chances of the other person becoming defensive. Think of it as describing the situation the way a camera would record it.

An example, I heard you say that I’m wasting my time with my boyfriend.

Express your feelings and opinions

Now you’re saying what you feel about the situation. You are only using “I statements.”

An example, It makes me feel frustrated and annoyed when I hear negative comments about my relationship.

Assert yourself

This is when you make your request or set your boundary. You want to make sure you’re clear and leaving no room for interpretation.

An example, I’d really like it if you don’t comment on my relationship.

Reinforce

Next, you can reinforce your request by explaining what the other person may gain from honoring it. This step is optional and may not apply in every situation. However, when appropriate, highlighting the benefits can increase the likelihood that the other person will be willing to work with you.

An example, if you do this, then I think we’ll be able to get along without fighting for this trip.

Now, the MAN part is how you’re doing the DEAR

Mindful of Objective

Stay focused on your goal and avoid getting pulled into side arguments or personal attacks. Family members may try to change the subject, bring up unrelated issues, or respond defensively when you set a boundary. When this happens, do your best to stay on task.

Instead of arguing, defending yourself, or responding to attacks, calmly repeat your point and redirect the conversation back to your original request. Think of yourself as a broken record; clear, consistent, and focused on the message you want to communicate.

Appear confident

You don't have to feel confident to be effective, but it can help to present yourself confidently. This might look like maintaining eye contact, sitting or standing up straight, and speaking in a calm, steady voice.

Negotiate

Lastly, be open to negotiating when appropriate. If you're setting a firm boundary, this step may not apply, as some boundaries are not up for discussion. However, if you're making a request and there is room for flexibility, consider working together to find a solution that meets everyone's needs.

If your family member continues to reject your suggestions or shuts down your attempts to find a resolution, try turning the conversation back to them. Ask what they would suggest instead. This can help shift the discussion from conflict to problem-solving and encourage shared responsibility for finding a workable solution.

Family vacations can create incredible memories, but they can also bring stress, conflict, and emotional overwhelm. By using the PLEASE skills, you can reduce your vulnerability to intense emotions by taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. And when conflicts or frustrations arise, DEAR MAN can help you communicate your needs, set boundaries, and navigate difficult conversations more effectively.

Even with these skills, there will likely be moments when family dynamics get under your skin. That's why it's important to have a few coping skills in your back pocket that you know help you calm down and regroup. Whether that's taking deep breaths, listening to music, going for a walk, spending a few minutes alone, or practicing mindfulness, having a plan for managing stress can make a big difference. Remember, the goal isn't to have a perfect family vacation; it's to have the tools to handle the imperfect moments when they inevitably happen.

By Kristen Carpenter, LMSW. 

Values in DBT: Building a Life Worth Living

Start With Values Clarification

• What activities make me feel more like myself?
• What leaves me feeling fulfilled, rather than depleted?
• What kind of relationships feel aligned to me right now?
• When do I feel proud of how I showed up?

Wise Mind: Taking a Pause

Committed Action: Small, Consistent Steps Toward Your Values

By Kristen Carpenter, LMSW. 

• Do pleasant things now that are possible. Going to the beach or sunbathing might not be an option right now, but what is? These activities might not fix everything, and research shows that engaging in positive experiences and pleasant events can generate positive emotions that help bolster our mood and overall sense of well-being (Ong and Lee, 2023).  Bundle up and see a movie with a friend, read a book (I recommend Wintering by Katherine May), lean into a bit of hygge and cozy up your living space with blankets and twinkle lights, daydream about what you'll do in the spring, listen to music, watch your favorite comfort show, knit, try a new hobby...one gift that slow winters can give us is time.

• PLEASE stands for Treat PhysicaL illness, balance Eating, avoid mood-Altering substances, balance Sleep, and get Exercise. The acronym might not make immediate sense, but it's actually a powerhouse skill for reducing vulnerability to intense emotions that can be amplified by SAD. It’s essentially an extension of self-care: ensuring that you're getting adequate sleep and rest, moving your body,  nourishing yourself with foods that you know help you feel good, and taking care of your medical needs as necessary. This might look like taking a candle-lit yoga class, going for a walk in the cold winter air, or cooking yourself your favorite winter soup. SAD can increase urges to do nothing at all, which brings me to my next favorite skill.

• Opposite action is the skill of acting opposite to your emotion urge when it's effective to do so. For example, SAD might be telling you to stay in bed all day, withdraw from friends, or avoid moving your body altogether. While rest is important, when that withdrawal and stagnation start to feel heavy or icky, Opposite Action means taking a small step anyway, because you know it  will likely help shift your mood. Encourage yourself to get off the couch and text a friend, or go to that candle-lit yoga class, or a brisk winter walk.

By Avery Carmichael, LMSW. 

There’s something about the month of February that makes many of us glad to see it in the rearview mirror. Maybe it’s the chocolate boxes lining the pharmacy aisles. The prix fixe menus. The Instagram carousels of kissing couples. The run on roses. February has a way of amplifying loneliness, narrowing the definition of connection and elevating romance as the primary measure of belonging.

An important note of clarification: being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing.

Being alone is a circumstance. It can be chosen. It can feel empowering, grounding, relieving.

Loneliness is an emotion. It can arise whether you’re single, partnered, surrounded by friends, or lying next to someone in bed.

From a DBT perspective, every emotion has a function, and loneliness signals a biologically rooted need for connection (Linehan, 2015; Bowlby, 1969; Baumeister & Leary, 1995). From an evolutionary standpoint, belonging kept humans alive. In fact, decades of research show that social disconnection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). With loneliness, the body responds. Sometimes with an ache. Sometimes with restlessness. Sometimes with urgency.

And, in a very unfun, very human twist, when many of us feel lonely, we don’t merely experience the emotion (Brown, 2012). We judge it. Layering meaning, self-criticism, and global conclusions atop the primary emotion of loneliness, until we arrive at shame.

Suddenly, we’re confusing a temporary emotional state with a permanent identity, and holding a box of candy hearts labeled with some version of, “What’s wrong with you!?”

Responding to Loneliness Effectively

Because February is a month, and Valentine’s Day is a thing, and DBT doesn’t aim to eliminate, suppress, or ignore emotions like loneliness, our goal is to respond effectively to loneliness that may arise over the span of any given day, month, year, and life.

Step 1: Mindfulness of Current Emotion

Observe and describe what you notice, separating facts from interpretations (Linehan, 2015).

“This is loneliness.”

Not: “I am unlovable.”
Not: “I am behind.”
Not: “This will last forever.”

Just: “This is loneliness.”

Notice the sensations in your body. Notice urges to withdraw, compare, text impulsively, scroll, or criticize yourself. Let the emotion rise and fall without fusing it to your identity.

Step 2: Self-Validation

Of course this hurts. Of course _____ amplifies this.

Validation does not mean approving of the situation. It means acknowledging that your emotional response makes sense given the circumstances.

Step 3: Check the Facts

Loneliness may fit the facts. Shame usually does not.

Ask: Is there evidence that this feeling defines my worth? Am I assuming permanence from a temporary state? Am I equating one form of connection with all connection?

Checking the facts helps recalibrate intensity and separates emotion from global conclusions.

Step 4: Opposite Action, When Appropriate

If loneliness is paired with urges that increase isolation, such as canceling plans or withdrawing from safe relationships, opposite action may be warranted. Acting towards connection in small, effective ways can reduce vulnerability to prolonged loneliness. This is not about forcing positivity. It is about acting in line with long-term goals rather than short-term urges.

Step 5: Accumulating Positive Experiences

DBT emphasizes building a life worth living over time. Belonging is not confined to one relationship category. Investing in friendships, community, shared interests, and meaning broadens the sources of connection in your life.

Loneliness is a signal. It is not a verdict about your value. Allow loneliness to be present without converting it into a story about who you are. I promise you, you’re not alone in this.

By Stephanie Rothney

I regularly hear about the power of saying “yes” – how saying yes to opportunities can increase joy and fulfillment. I believe strongly in the power of “yes”, and, taking a balanced approach, I think it is also important to recognize the power of “no”. So, this November, if life feels hectic, your schedule is packed, finances are tight, or emotions are more vulnerable, consider harnessing the power of “no”.

As the end of the year approaches, people often find themselves met with lots of opportunities to socialize, attend family gatherings, or take on some extra projects at work. When these opportunities present themselves to me, it can feel exciting in the moment, and I want to say “yes” to it all. At the same time, my wise mind knows that I cannot say yes to everything, and future me will be grateful when I am tucked in bed by 9 pm, reading a good book (ok fine, watching Bravo) after a long week. Yet, even when my wise mind tells me no is the best decision, saying “yes” often feels easier and less likely to disappoint others. When telling someone “no” feels daunting, I like to turn to the DEAR MAN skill to guide me through it.

DEAR MAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill that helps us assert our wants and needs while still protecting relationships. It can be used to make requests and to say “no”. Let’s walk through what DEAR MAN stands for and an example of using it to say “no” to a weekend trip away with friends that you can’t fit into your schedule.

When your wise mind is telling you to say “no”, DEAR MAN can be an effective way to do so while tending to relationships. You could use it to set limits around after-hour work emails, say no to a second date you aren’t feeling, or decline cat-sitting for your sister for the 8^th time this year. Let’s remember that knowing when and how to say “no” is just as important as knowing when and how to say “yes.”  Saying “no” can feel awkward and uncomfortable; however, with practice and the help of DEAR MAN, you can respect your limits while maintaining respect for yourself and others!

By Bethesda Yohannes

The season of costumes and masks is here! Every Halloween, people gather to transform into someone else, whether it be a superhero, a favorite artist, or a spooky villain, the possibilities are endless. But what if I told you that for some, wearing a mask isn’t just a once-a-year tradition? Some people wear an invisible mask every day of their lives. This is known as “masking,” and for many autistic people, it’s a way to blend into a world that often expects people to act “neurotypical.”  Let’s explore what masking really means, why it happens, the toll it takes, and why unmasking is so critical for our neurodivergent folks!

According to the National Autistic Society, masking is the unconscious or conscious effort to appear “non-autistic” to blend into society. You may have also heard of masking described as “passing” or “camouflaging.” Autistic people are able to do this by analyzing and mirroring other’s behaviors. Examples include but are not limited to:

• Forcing yourself to make eye contact
• Monitoring and mirroring facial expressions
• Forcing yourself to ask questions or make “small talk” despite not being interested
• Holding back talking about your special interests due to perception that it may be unusual
• Hiding stimming behaviors
• Changing tone of voice to be less direct or less animated

You might be thinking, “Woah! That sounds like a lot of work.” And you’re right...it is! Masking is a lot of work. Imagine not only having to wear a costume, but also having to act. Autistic people are constantly having to perform to fit into society. They are putting on their mask to meet social expectations in a world that makes snap judgments. They are trying to make and maintain relationships. They are trying to increase job opportunities. Ultimately, they are trying to feel accepted by a world that doesn’t speak their language and a world that believes neurotypical language is the “right” language.

Although masking can be an effective tool for fitting into society, it often comes at a significant cost. Over time, the effort of suppressing one’s authentic self can lead to both mental and physical exhaustion. This may result in meltdowns, shutting down, self-harming, or increased suicidality. The act of constantly wearing an invisible mask can also result in a loss of identity and low self-esteem. In some cases, masking can be dangerous; by consistently pushing down personal needs and desires, individuals may become more vulnerable to manipulation or abuse. Ironically, while masking is often used to gain acceptance, it can leave a person feeling even more disconnected and isolated from others.

To help manage the impact of masking, there are a few simple strategies that can help ease these painful consequences. If you relate to this try some of the following...

1. Allow yourself time to recover after social interactions, even short breaks or quiet time can help your mind and body recharge.
2. Try using spoon theory or energy counting: Imagine your daily energy as a limited number of spoons, and be intentional about how you spend them. This helps you prioritize what really matters and helps to avoid burnout.
3. Journaling or talking with someone you trust can help you better understand your preferences and boundaries. Reflecting on where and when you feel safe to unmask allows you to show up more authentically while still protecting your energy.
4. Spending time with other autistic people can be a powerful way to ease the emotional strain caused by masking. In shared neurodivergent spaces, there's often less pressure to "fit in," allowing individuals to express themselves more freely and begin to recover from the stress, burnout, and identity confusion that masking can cause.

The mental and physical toll of masking can be overwhelming: Constantly pretending, adjusting, and hiding parts of yourself just to meet others’ expectations can lead to anxiety, burnout, and even physical exhaustion. Over time, this strain chips away at your well-being, leaving you feeling disconnected and drained. That’s why unmasking is so important. It’s not just about being honest with others, it’s about giving yourself permission to exist without constantly performing. Unmasking allows you to reclaim your energy, reduce stress, and begin healing from the pressure of always having to fit in. It’s a powerful step toward living more authentically and sustainably.

Masking. National Autistic Society . (n.d.). https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking

Can you walk the walk?

By Elisa Pompeo

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), one of the most powerful and practical skills we love to teach is Walking the middle path. This means finding balance in extremes, stepping away from “all or nothing” thinking, and giving ourselves permission to choose flexibility over rigidity.

For example, some people believe that the only way to succeed is to give 100% effort all day every day. Unsurprisingly, this can lead to exhaustion, self-criticism and often is not sustainable. Learning to walk the middle path can look like allowing ourselves to do slightly less than we originally planned, and realizing that this can actually help to feel more grounded, resilient, and satisfied.

How to Use the Middle Path Skill (an abbreviated version):

1. Spot the extremes – Notice “all or nothing” thoughts or urges.
2. Validate both sides – Ask, what truth exists within each perspective?
3. Choose balance – Recognize the choice that you have to move towards center.
4. Stay flexible – Remember balance shifts depending on the context.
5. Respect yourself – Remind yourself that “good enough” is worthwhile.

For me, this can look like folding and putting away all of my clean laundry even if it could be folded even neater or organized more efficiently. Other times, it means cleaning two dirty dishes in the sink instead of all of them, or none of them. Sometimes it looks like giving myself permission to rest when I have not finished my whole to-do list instead of pushing myself to finish it all. Even cooking part of a meal from scratch, and buying premade food for the rest, can be a way of practicing this skill. I like to call this the “Trader Joes frozen section” cooking - it’s not homemade, it’s not take-out, it’s a middle path.

Practicing this skill might feel scary at first, because it can feel nerve-wracking to be flexible with our intentions…we may fear that we are completely “giving up on goals” as one of my clients once shared. It may also be uncomfortable to rest without feeling immense guilt. Practice makes progress with this skill…and after some time, you might notice how much it helps you too! Walking the middle path prevents burnout and helps you make decisions that honor both your present and future self. When you step back from rigid perfectionism, you give yourself permission to be imperfect and still be valuable.

There are important dialectics across different age ranges you may begin to notice. For kids and teens, walking the middle path can mean balancing the desire for independence with the reliance on guidance from caregivers. For adults, you might notice balancing the dialectic of resting and also working and holding up responsibilities. For families, we may see caregivers balancing validating their children and also setting limits with them.

Whether it’s at home, at school, at work, or in relationships, walking the middle path creates more flexibility, reduces burnout, and helps us live with more compassion—for ourselves and for others.

Opposite Action for Shame = PRIDE

By Lucy Rooney.

On the heels of Pride Month, I wondered, how can our DBT skills help us adopt this spirit all of the months of the year?

Pride Month is a time to honor the resilience and joy of the LGBTQIA+ community. How can we do this? …By being unapologetically ourselves. That’s right—let your freak flag fly!

Think Accumulating positives in the short-term—With all of the stress and hustle and bustle in our lives and with all of the invalidation that this community experiences, it is as important to schedule time to go for that walk, eat that donut, paint our nails that funky summer color, play fetch with our dog, smooch our loved ones, or burrito ourselves in bed, as it is to do the laundry, go to work, and pick up after ourselves. Do things that YOU find joyous in the moment… not what you believe “should be joyous” or what seemingly brings others joy on Instagram… but what truly brings YOU joy. For me, that joy sometimes looks like rearranging my undies drawer. Bonus points: Practice Radical acceptance that what brings others joy may differ from what brings you joy, and adopt a Non-judgmental stance! Extra bonus points…if you do find yourself judging (cause we all do) stop judging yourself for that😉

How about some Alternate Rebellion following Pride? Been wanting to go against the grain and make a statement? Go for it! Dye your hair, cut it all off, get that piercing Mom won’t let you get, order ice cream at the restaurant for your appetizer, wear exactly what you want to wear. Show off your body loud and proud no matter what shape or size you are #HAES. If tomorrow you want to dress as a Cowboy and the next day you decide your mood is begging you to rock #cottagecore, honor it. We are not ONE thing. In fact, Dialectics tell us that multiple truths can exist at once. I can be shy one day and outgoing the next. It can be sunny and rain in one day. I can dress more feminine in one moment and decide to dress more androgynous the next. I am neither AND I am all.

And how about when the environment feels too strong and the pain from invalidation feels too great to carry? Distress tolerance can provide coping strategies for managing painful moments. These skills can be helpful when facing invalidating interpersonal interactions, as well as broader systemic discrimination. Think TIPP the temperature, Distract with music, tv, comedy, or a brain teaser. When the intensity of the pain comes down slightly, we may try sitting with the emotion (Mindfulness of Current Emotions) and feeling the grief, anger, and fear arise within us. Recovering from Invalidation can be a helpful tool as it can teach us how to self-validate and where to find validation from supportive parties which can ease the intensity of our emotions. Think: Don’t go to the hardware store looking to buy milk. Some people just will not have the validation you are looking for!

Lastly, use Opposite action for shame (when safe to do so). For many, hiding who you are and who you love elicits shame and when the community you are apart of will ostracize you because of who you are, then that shame fits the facts and you are responding to that shame as a means of survival. In a perfect world, we hope to find community and create community that will not reject us so that we can act opposite our shame and live in a way that is true and open and PROUD. Let’s live in PRIDE 365 days a year!