How to gain emotional independence – 3 simple ways to start today OR Happy Emotional Independence: Let's start today!

Do you feel like you’re consistently putting out fires for your loved ones? Or maybe you’re on the other side, and your loved ones seem like they’re always putting out your fires. When we don’t know how to regulate our own emotions it can seem like we are unintentional arsonists in need of a firefighter (supportive loved one) to redeem us. When our firefighters come to our rescue, we may feel reassured or validated. They make us feel like we aren’t crazy, and our emotions are valid. They cool us down and might even do damage control for us while we bask in their comfort.

Now, you might be reading this and think, “Yes! [insert loved one’s name] is my firefighter, and I’m so happy I have them in my life.” And I’d agree with you; it’s helpful to have supportive firefighters when we are going through life stressors. However, if you are an "unintentional arsonist" who feels like they consistently set fires, your firefighters may become burnt out if we do not know how to put out our own fires or prevent them from starting. In addition, our firefighters occasionally have their own fires to put out, which may prevent them from putting out yours. When we don’t have the skills to regulate our own emotions, it can lead to various problems in our relationship and possibly exacerbate our fires.

If this sounds like you, it might be time to gain some emotional independence and learn how to be your own firefighter. Emotional independence is the ability to manage your own emotions without the need for others’ approval, attention, or validation. Before you continue reading, it is important to pause and reflect on what emotional independence means to you. Is this important to you? Are you exhausted from not knowing how to put out your fires? We are laying down our matches and picking up our coping tools. Below are three simple ways we can practice emotional independence today:

1. Incorporating mindfulness into your day

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is being aware of what is happening inside you, such as your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations, as well as your surroundings.

Why do we care?

Mindfulness allows us to observe our internal and external processes without reacting to them. Have you ever done a behavior and instantly regretted it? You might have even explained yourself to someone saying, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” Often when we feel strong emotions, we might not notice our urge to do a behavior, and we just do it. Mindfulness slows this process down so we can notice our emotions and our action urge, which will help us gain control of our emotions so that we do not do a behavior that we might regret.

How do we do it?

Mindfulness is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened by LOTS of practice. This may look like doing one task at a time, such as watching your favorite TV show and only paying attention to the episode. When a thought arises about a previous episode, you notice it and redirect your attention back to the show. It can also look like noticing your own judgments (both good and bad) while watching the show. You may notice body sensations while watching the show and simply observe them before returning your attention to the show. If you are consistently redirecting your attention back to the activity, you are practicing mindfulness.

2.Challenge your thoughts

What is a thought?

Our thoughts are simply sensations bouncing around in our minds. They are not facts, no matter how loud they sound, how long they stay, or how frequently they come. I like to think of our thoughts as guests. You get to choose how long they stay and how you interact with them.

Why do we care?

When we treat our thoughts as facts, it can lead to emotional suffering and possibly regrettable behavior. Agreeing with our thoughts can often lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever thought that someone did not like you, so then you acted disinterested in them? And because you acted disinterested, they probably started to not like you. That is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe they didn’t like you to begin with, or maybe your thoughts just led you to believe that, so you made it come true with your behaviors.

How do we do it?

When we challenge our thoughts, we counteract them by formulating our own thoughts. This may include logically arguing against your thought, checking the facts on your thought by looking at the evidence for/against it, doing the exact opposite of what your thought wants you to do to see if it’s true (i.e., thinking that if you don’t wear makeup, then your crush won’t like you anymore so you don’t wear makeup), or coping ahead with the imagined negative consequence (i.e., afraid to get fired from your job so you imagine what you would do to cope with getting fired).

3.Practice self-validation

What is self-validation?

Self-validation is when you find the kernel of truth in the situation you face and tell yourself that your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors make sense. It is NOT giving approval, encouragement, or compliments.

Why do we care?

When we self-validate, it lowers our emotional arousal so that problem-solving is possible. It also alleviates some pressure on our firefighters for needing them to validate us when we are upset.

How do we do it?

When you self-validate, make sure that you are only validating the valid and not the invalid. For example, if I yelled at my friend for forgetting to pick me up, I might validate my frustration, disappointment, or urge to yell. I would not validate the behavior of yelling. Self-validation may also look like acknowledging your emotions in the present without trying to avoid or push them away. For example, if I am frustrated about my friend forgetting to pick me up, then I would say, “I’m really frustrated right now” and sit in that frustration rather than telling myself “I shouldn’t be upset.”

Linehan, M., M., (2015). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Reduce Anxiety with Gratitude this Holiday Season

Have you ever had a thought that you could not get out of your head? Maybe you had one thought that led to hundreds of other thoughts. You might have tried to tell yourself a variation of, “ok, I need to stop thinking about this” which made those thoughts even louder. These ruminating thoughts are a symptom of anxiety. Anxiety can be thought of as the fear of a perceived threat and then underestimating our ability to handle that threat. When we keep on thinking of these worries by either spiraling or trying to suppress them, it can exacerbate our anxiety. Now, if thinking about your worries solves your problems then go for it and don’t let me stop you; however, if ruminating only causes you more suffering then bear with me. Ironically, sometimes when you stop worrying you might have a better shot at solving your problem and reducing anxiety.

So, let’s try to replace our worries with gratitude! Research suggests that our brain cannot hold anxiety and gratitude at the same time. This is because gratitude affects the same area of the brain, the limbic system, that regulates our emotions, so instead of being overwhelmed by anxiety, your limbic system becomes flooded with thankfulness. In doing this, you're not only preventing rumination, but you're also lowering your blood pressure, improving your immune system, promoting more efficient sleep, and creating a positive lens through which you see your life, which then makes you feel better.

Below are four, simple and easy ways to integrate gratitude into your day:

1. Mentally give thanks

a. If you don’t have time to write down what you’re grateful for or maybe you just don’t feel like it, mentally giving thanks is a great way to take your brain's attention away from your worry thoughts. You can utilize this practice when your mind starts to ruminate or as an everyday practice to promote positive thinking.

2. Writing thank you notes

a. Build your self-compassion and relationships by writing thank you notes to your loved ones and/or yourself. There is nothing too small or too big to say thank you for. Simply waking up this morning is something you can thank yourself for. To begin, try writing a thank you note once a month and gradually increasing your frequency.

3. Mindfulness

a. Mindfulness of breath involves intentional focus on the present moment, steering away from past and future moments, while taking a nonjudgmental stance. You can use mindfulness to focus on something you’re grateful for (i.e., Your friends, partner, family, car…etc.). It can be as short as a minute or as long as you’d like. I’d recommend you start off by doing it for a few minutes if you are not used to practicing mindfulness. Your mind will wander and once you are aware of this, remember to bring it back to gratitude.

4. Gratitude Journal

a. Set aside a regular time each day for writing down the things you're grateful for. This can also be done at night to reflect on things you're grateful for during the day. Studies have shown that writing one thing you’re grateful for and expanding the list from there enhances gratitude and positive thinking more so than creating a list of unrelated items.

 

Juneja, J.K. (2022). Gratitude and it's importance. International Journal of Health Sciences, 6(S2), 9721-9728. https://media.neliti.com/media/publications/430566-gratitude-and-its-importance-b249fae4.pdf

 

Who are your monsters?

We all have our monsters and they don’t just come out on Halloween. Our monsters are our unwanted emotions that disrupt our lives sometimes. I don’t know about you all, but my spookiest monster’s fear and anger love to come out when I am tired or hungry. When I accidentally unleash them without regulating them, they can wreak havoc on my self-esteem, self-respect, and relationships while simultaneously summoning monsters out of my loved ones. Some of us experiencing chronic anxiety or depression, may feel like our monster is always out or maybe you even start to feel like you have become the monster. If that sounds like you, then it is even more important that you equip yourself with our kick-ass monster weapons also known as our ABC PLEASE skills, used for reducing emotional vulnerability. When you maintain these skills, it allows you to have a fighting chance against your monsters!

Before we start…yes you can do this and yes this will take hard work! Below are our ABC PLEASE skills broken down and explained:

SKILL 1: Accumulating Positive Emotions (in the short-term)

Think of this like you are building an emotional wall between you and your monsters through positive experiences, events, and valued behavior patterns. The reason that you want to build this wall is because we know that positive experiences in life summon our inner fairies (positive emotions) to come out. Without our fairies, our monsters get louder and hungrier which might resemble an emotional explosion like yelling or some of us just explode covertly, which might look like not expressing anything and instead “shutting down.”

How to build positive emotions NOW:

1. Do at least ONE pleasant thing a day that evokes your fairies (i.e., enjoyment, pleasure, serenity, calmness, love, joy, pride, or self-confidence).

a. Note: You can start off by making a list of activities that elicit positive emotions (ex. Cooking, listening to music, hanging out with friends…etc)

2. Use problem-solving skills when you have an inflexible schedule, financial strain, or many demands that might get in the way of you integrating positive experiences in your everyday life.

a. Note: Planning positive experiences in your schedule ahead of time can help make this less stressful in the moment.

3. Stick to your plan even when your monsters are out and you don’t feel like doing it.

a. Note: It can be really hard to summon your fairies when your monsters are creeping out and we know that summoning those fairies in those moments are that much more important.

SKILL 2: Build Mastery

When we are building mastery, we are strengthening our sense of competence and confidence so that we are less impacted by unwanted emotions when they try to creep in. The goal is to engage in activities that are difficult AND possible to achieve. If you engage in activities that are too easy or too difficult then you’ll give your monsters confidence rather than yourself.

How to build mastery NOW:

1. Do at least ONE activity a day to build a sense of accomplishment.

a. Note: This will look different for everyone. For me, cooking a new recipe makes me feel like I’m unstoppable.

2. Plan for Success, NOT failure.

a. Note: This is not a competition. It always feels better to raise your expectations because you aimed too low than to lower your expectations. For example, if exercising gives you a sense of accomplishment, then you might start off by walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes with an incline rather than running 5 miles.

3. Gradually Increase difficulty over time.

SKILL 3: Cope Ahead

Although we might be shocked when we accidentally summon our monsters, sometimes we can anticipate them coming before the situation even occurs. When we are “coping ahead,” we are figuring out what situations are likely to summon our unwanted emotions or cause a problem and then planning ahead for how to effectively cope with expected difficulties.

How to cope ahead:

1. Describe a problem situation that you are worried about coping with well (emotions? urges?)

a. Example: Talking with your partner about saving money - emotions that come up might be fear and anger; urges might be yelling or shutting down.

2. Decide what coping or problem-solving skills you want to use in the situation. Be specific.

a. Note: You can google “DBT skills” or look at past blog posts for ideas on what you might need. Reminder: DBT skills are divided into mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness skills.

3. Imagine yourself in the situation in your mind; in the present NOT in the future. Our brain does not know the difference when we imagine it in our brain versus when we do it in real life.

4. Rehearse in your mind what you would do to cope effectively (including thoughts, actions, and phrasing words with how will say it).

5. Practice relaxation after rehearsing.

6. REPEAT steps 3-5 until you feel comfortable to enter the situation in real life.

SKILL 4: PLEASE

Just like your body is an armor to protect all your organs inside of you, PLEASE skills protect you and your loved ones from your monsters. Therefore, when we don’t take care of our body, our monsters become hungrier and scarier with little protection to contain them. These skills help us maintain our body’s health so that our monsters don’t grow stronger than us. Let’s set ourselves up for success! Below are the different factors our body needs us to maintain, so that we are less prone to distress and more prone to success:

1. Treating PhysicaL illness

a. Note: When we are sick, it is harder to contain our monsters so the healthier you are the better you can control your emotions.

2. Balance Eating

a. Note: The snickers commercial is right…well kinda. Eating foods that make us feel good as well as not eating too much or too little can give us more control over our monsters.

3. Avoid mood-Altering substances

a. Note: Alcohol and drugs can lower our resistance to unwanted emotions. Yes, that means caffeine too…however we are not perfect so let’s at least aim for moderation!

4. Balance Sleep

a. Note: Everyone’s sleep schedule is different; however, we want to aim for 7-9 hours a night and be consistent! No, you are NOT ok with less than 7 hours of sleep a night even if you think you are.

5. Get Exercise

a. Note: As much as it hurts me to say this….we have to exercise. When consistently done, aerobic exercise can serve as an antidepressant. Also, you can kill two birds with one stone as exercising may build mastery for you too. For those who feel triggered by the word “exercise,” consider the word “movement” instead and try stretching or a neighborhood walk.

 

Don’t let your monsters control you this Halloween and every day!