There REALLY is No Place Like Home for the Holidays

Perry Como wasn’t wrong when he sang those iconic Stillman lyrics. “There’s no place like home for the holidays.” Really. And whether it’s your biological family, your chosen family or your new partner, home (for the holidays) carries a weighty pressure that perfectly encompasses Dialectical Behavioral Therapy’s (DBT) core dialectic of acceptance and change. 

(‘What the heck is a dialectic?’ you may ask. Head here for a deeper dive into this term.) 

As much as I love my family, and I really, truly do, there’s an unshakeable reversion to childhood patterns that the holiday season, and subsequent return home, can provoke in us all. (Adding another escalating ingredient to the mix is COVID-19.) I’ll spare my family the indignity of revealing too much about our interpersonal dynamics on the internet. However, I will say that we all come home for the holidays carrying our own baggage — both literally and figuratively. This can be baggage that’s been simmering for a few days, months, or years. Sometimes it’s baggage that’s entirely irrelevant to the individuals sitting around that open fire roasting chestnuts — I’ve literally never roasted chestnut, and I simply couldn’t begin to tell you how to do that. Other times, it’s baggage that has absolutely everything to do with a very particular scenario, involving a very specific individual, who’s watching that ball drop beside you on New Year’s Eve. 

And, it’s at this moment that DBT’s core dialectic comes into play. Accept? Change? Sometimes, we accept. For those who are considering this course of action, because yes, acceptance is a choice, I recommend reviewing some of DBT’s Distress Tolerance Skills. In other circumstances, perhaps when we’re looking to obtain a specific goal or objective, we pursue change. 

This holiday season, if you have a specific goal or objective, once you’ve clarified your priorities, consider DEAR MAN. This is one of my personal favorite skills in the entire DBT repertoire, as I have found it to be particularly effective for me. Surely, contacting your individual therapist, or diving more deeply into DBT Skills Training at BPS will support this process in greater depth, and, for now, with just a few days before heading ‘home,’ I’ve included a very quick primer on DEAR MAN. 

My sample situation? My sister repeatedly takes my clothing from my closet. My objective?  Get my sister to stop taking my clothing. 

 

D - Describe the Situation 

  • Ex: I’ve noticed that you have taken a few articles of clothing from my closet without asking me in advance. 

E - Express Clearly

  • Ex: I feel anxious when I can’t find a missing clothing item. I wonder where it has gone, and whether I’d brought it back home in the first place. 

A - Assert Wishes

  • Ex: I would like you to stop taking my clothing. 

R - Reinforce

  • Ex: My hope is that we can figure this out so that we can minimize our bickering during this trip. 

 

(Stay) M - Mindful

  • This is the part of the conversation where I would emulate a broken record, continuing to express my opinion in spite of any diversions or deviations from my sister. 

A - Appear Confident

  • While I might be nervous to make this ask, using a confident tone of voice and physicality will better support my efforts to obtain my objective. 

N - Negotiate

  • If my ask or refusal appears to be hitting a wall, I must be willing to give to get. For example, if I’m comfortable with this alternative, I might ask my sister to, at the very least, ask me before taking my clothing. 

As with every skill, practice, practice, practice! 

How to Live in Accordance With What Matters: A Crash Course on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

What the heck is ACT? If you find yourself thinking, “another type of behavioral therapy? Another acronym?!” I would get it. It’s true, as a therapist, I geek out on this stuff. But I wouldn’t write a blog post about it if I didn’t think it was really worth your time.  

So what is it? ACT is all about accepting what is out of your personal control and committing to action that enriches your life. What do you want to stand for in your life? What truly matters to you? Once you clarify your core values you can use them as guides to motivate and inspire behavioral change. 

How is this different from other types of therapy? We are often being sent messages about the need to control our emotional states. Think about the self-help section in a bookstore: You see titles like “How to Feel Less Stress” or “5 Ways To Find Happiness.” At some point, all of us probably received feedback about getting over an unpleasant emotional state. It’s what I like to call the wipe off your knees and keep going mentality. When we buy into this, we tell ourselves we’re not doing a good enough job– if we feel too much stress, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, and not enough happiness or joy. When we internalize these messages we try to control our thoughts and feelings. In ACT, we believe that thoughts and feelings themselves are not pathological. We don’t need to chase them down and change them. Rather, the focus is on relating to them in a different way by accepting their presence, fully and without defense, and choosing what you will or won’t do based on your personal values. It sounds nice, but how do we actually put that into practice? In ACT, there are six core processes that can help guide you: defusion, self-as-context, presence, acceptance, values, and committed action. Each of these processes comes with a number of different skills. For this blog post, I will explain each step and scatter into some exercises.  

Defusion:

We get caught up in our thoughts; we take them as capital “T” truth and often see the world through the lens of a painful thought we have about ourselves, others, or the world. Defusion is about stepping back and detaching from inner thoughts or images. Instead of getting caught up in our thoughts, we let them come and go. We see thoughts for what they are– nothing more or less than words or pictures. We hold them lightly instead of clutching to them tightly. 

Exercise: Take a painful thought such as, “I’m unlovable” and get a bit of space from it by inserting one of the clauses below:

The Observing Self (also known as Self-as-context):

There are two elements of the mind: The thinking self and the observing self. The thinking self is the part of us that is always thinking– generating judgments, fantasies, beliefs, and so on. The observing self is less talked about in our culture. This is the part of us that is aware of whatever we’re thinking, feeling, sensing, or doing in any moment. Throughout life your body, thoughts, roles, and feelings all change but the “you” that’s able to notice or observe all those things never changes. 

Contact the present moment

Our judgmental, problem-solving minds constantly pull our attention away from the present. Why? We want to avoid suffering and we yearn for orientation– to know where we are in our life journey. But instead of orienting ourselves, we end up ruminating about what’s happened in the past or worry about what will happen in the future. Both of these “thinking self” processes are associated with depression and anxiety. Contacting the present moment is about mindfulness, defined as “paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally” (Jon Kabat-Zinn). 

Exercise: Try this simple 6-minute meditation

Acceptance: 

When we try to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, we demonize natural human experiences. Our efforts, energy, and attention are spent trying to control unwanted inner experiences and we feel even worse when they show up. Avoidance is not workable as a long-term solution. As we say in ACT:

If you don’t want it, you’ve already got it.

If you aren’t willing to be anxious, you will feel even more anxious.

If you aren’t willing to feel pain, you will feel even more pain.

If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

The goal of acceptance is a willingness to make room for uncomfortable feelings, sensations, urges, and emotions. Instead of struggling against them, we open up to them and let them be. This does not mean you have to like it or want it (anxiety IS uncomfortable), but it’s about allowing yourself to have it. In fact, the wisdom of pain is that it tells us what matters most. For example, I might feel pain if a friend is upset with me or I might feel anxiety after a social interaction. What those uncomfortable emotions tell me is that I don’t want to hurt my friends or that I care about how I’m perceived in social situations because connection matters to me. Values and vulnerabilities are two sides of the same coin; the more we pursue our values the more vulnerable we will feel.   

Exercise:  Say “Yes”

Consider a painful thought or memory that you often struggle with or avoid altogether. Put a 1-minute timer on. Close your eyes and adopt a “no” stance towards that thought or memory as in: “No, that’s not good. That needs to change; that is unacceptable.” Allow yourself to struggle against it as you normally do. When the timer goes off, note any observations of what that experience was like: What emotion did you feel? How did you hold your body (tense, relaxed)? What happened in your mind (did your thoughts speed up? Slow down?) Next, put the timer on again for 1 minute. This time, take that same thought or memory but instead adopt a “yes” stance towards it as in: “yes, I am willing to allow that to be there, just as it is. I do not need to change it.” Afterward, observe or describe how these experiences were different. 

Values 

In ACT, we define values as qualities of being. For example: Being a loving, caring, attentive, curious, and supportive partner. 

Values are not goals. Goals can be met, checked off a list, or completed.  Values are what we live by and we continuously commit and recommit to them. I can meet my goal of getting married but I’m never done being a loving partner. Love is ongoing. It matters before and after you get a partner. 

The more in touch we are with what truly matters, the easier it is to take a step in the right direction. 

Exercise: Attend your own funeral

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to calm your mind. Picture witnessing your own funeral. Think about where it would be and visualize a clear picture of your funeral service in your mind. Imagine that a loved one is saying a few words about what you stood for in your life; about what you cared about. Write out what you would want to hear in your eulogy about how you lived your life. Notice if certain thoughts or judgments come up. Defuse from them. This is not a prediction of your life but rather a reflection on the meaning you would most like to create; the purpose you would most like to reveal about the time you spent on this planet. 

Committed Action

Take effective action towards upholding your values. Value-guided action gives rise to a wide range of thoughts and feelings– both pleasurable and painful. Committed action means doing what it takes even if it brings on pain and discomfort. Maybe I’m terrified to open up fully in a relationship; to be vulnerable. I could choose to avoid that feeling by saying no to dates, being hypercritical of someone I meet, or closing myself off from someone emotionally, but that won’t help me get to where I want to go (having a close, connected, intimate relationship). Instead, what do I do? Committed action often encompasses all other act processes: Download the dating app (action), defuse from self-critical thoughts, accept the anxiety you feel, observe fear and shift towards curiosity and openness (values), show up fully present, with the intention of getting to know someone. 

Putting it all together:

One quick way to put it all together yourself. If you find that you’re in a situation and struggling with your inner world, ask yourself these questions: 

  1. What is the story I am telling myself in this moment? (e.g. the story of no one likes me) 
  2. How do I react when I buy into that story? (e.g. get quiet, retreat, internally criticize everything I do)
  3. Who or what is important to me right now? (e.g. getting to know someone, connecting, being present)
  4. What are some actionable steps towards that? (e.g. find someone approachable, sit and ask them questions, listen intently) 

Now you try! 

Understanding Executive Functioning

By: Dr. Nikita Patel, Psy.D.

Do you find yourself putting off errands or tasks unless there is an immediate deadline? Is it difficult for you to organize your thoughts and clearly explain them to someone else? Time management and organization are examples of executive functioning.

Executive functioning refers to the cognitive processes that help us meet the demands of our life. This can look like getting started on an assignment, tolerating anger that intensifies during an argument, and problem-solving when things go wrong. These processes sit in the prefrontal cortex, which is located at the front of the brain. This area is the last to fully develop in your mid 20’s. 

According to Thomas Brown (2005), there are six major areas of executive functioning that work together to help us meet a goal or accomplish a task:

1. Activation This is everything that we do before initiating a task. For example, getting to work requires you to prioritize the task of getting yourself to work on time by getting dressed and ready, organizing your bag, checking the weather, checking traffic or train delays.
2. Action This occurs during the task. For example, when commuting to school or work, it’s helpful to engage in self-monitoring to ensure that you’re on the right train and on time. In addition, you have to be ready to course-correct if your train suddenly goes express by evaluating the change and redirecting to another route.

3. Working Memory This factor is helpful with short-term memory tasks that require us to take in information and manipulate it. Taking notes requires both the capacity to remember what is being said as well as being able to jot down the information for later review. Imagine how much memory is required to engage in a back-and-forth conversation with a friend.

4. Emotion Regulation Can you imagine what would happen if we leaned into all of our emotional urges? The ability to manage and tolerate difficult emotions is important in staying effective towards meeting both short- and long-term goals without derailing from the task at hand.

5. Sustained effort Have you ever found yourself full speed ahead on a task and fatigued halfway through? Effort helps us to sustain our pace while working so we can get through a task.

6. Sustained focus We’ve all drifted into our thoughts during a work meeting or during class. This area helps us to shift our attention to what’s important in the moment and maintain that focus to help us effectively achieve that task.

You may find yourself having trouble in some areas and not others. However, weakness in any of these areas tends to generalize to different aspects of your life. For example, you may find yourself struggling with managing your time at work, with friends, and at home.

You may have noticed that you probably struggled with many of these areas as a child since the prefrontal cortex was still developing. Parents and teachers often took the role of being the source of our executive functioning to help us meet tasks. Think back to all of the reminders you received from parents and teachers to complete chores or homework assignments. If you find yourself having difficulties in any of these areas, there are skills and strategies that you can use to help such as, keeping planners to organize deadlines and events, keeping to-do lists, setting alarms to manage time, and using coping skills to manage intense emotions.

For individualized help, there are executive functioning coaches who can tailor skills to your specific needs. Below are two resources for both children and adolescents and adults:

Children, Adolescents and Adults

Children and Adolescents

Enhancing the Parent-Child Relationships with PRIDE

By: Dr. Emily Nichols, Psy.D.

Have you ever found yourself giving your child the same direction multiple times to no avail? Do you find yourself getting into power struggles with your teen more often than you would like? It’s no secret that these negative interactions can have quite a toll on the parent-child relationship. When arguments happen, caregivers often feel like they are trapped in an endless cycle that leaves them feeling frustrated and defeated. The good news is research has shown that spending just 5-10 minutes of “special time” with your children each day can improve the parent-child relationship. 

So how does one do special time? With PRIDE! The PRIDE acronym represents some handy skills to keep in mind when spending quality time with your child. Here’s a breakdown of the various PRIDE skills and how to use them:

Praise your child’s behavior

Praise is all about expressing approval to your child. When giving praise, aim for it to be specific, sincere, and process-based. The idea is we want children to become flexible learners who are encouraged to develop a growth mindset and try new things, which is why it’s more helpful to praise the process of your child’s efforts over the actual outcome. Here are some do’s and don’ts when praising your child:Father son high five Stock Photos - Page 1 : Masterfile

Do...

  • Use specific and descriptive praise (e.g. “ I like how you’re carefully putting your toys into the toy bin”).

  • Sincerely praise behaviors you want to reinforce (e.g.     “It’s generous of you to share your snack with your sibling” or “I appreciate how flexible you were when we made a change of plans”).

  • Praise their efforts and process (e.g. “Great job using different strategies to solve that math problem”).

Don't...

  • Use generic language (e.g. “Good job!” or “Nice work!”).

  • Be overly lavish or praise easy tasks. Overpraising can actually reduce intrinsic motivation and lead to entitlement. Kids may feel they are superior to others and will be unwilling to work unless praised.

  • Focus solely on their achievement or ability (e.g. “You’re so smart; you should definitely be valedictorian” or “You’re the best soccer player on the team!").

Reflect your child’s talk

When we reflect, or repeat back what we hear children say, it demonstrates that we are listening and that we understand them. It also gives them an opportunity to lead the conversation. For children and teens, this fosters their sense of autonomy and boosts their confidence. It also provides validation, which further strengthens the parent-child connection. Here are examples of how to reflect:

Child: “I did it all by myself!”

Caregiver: “Yes, you did it all by yourself!”

Teen: “I’m so mad at her; she completely betrayed me!”

Caregiver: “It’s so frustrating to feel like you can’t trust a friend.”

Imitate your child’s play

It’s easy to get caught up in making sure children are doing things the “right” way. One of the most common instances this comes up in is when kids are coloring. Adults are quick to encourage children to color in the lines. When practicing PRIDE skills, we encourage you to actually imitate your child’s creative play as a way of bonding. Is she coloring outside of the lines? Join her by scribbling a little on your own paper and watch your child light up. Are theyPushy or laid back? Economic factors influence parenting style | YaleNews pretending that a spatula is a paddle they can use to row down a river? Grab some tongs and start paddling too! There’s a reason they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

This applies for teens too! Next time you catch them playing Candy Crush, download the game and start swiping! Doing so will demonstrate that you are interested in what makes your adolescent happy and it will also give you some common ground to discuss.

Describe your child’s behavior

For young children who seem to move a mile a minute, taking the time to describe their behavior can actually slow down their play and help them organize their thoughts. Think of yourself as a sportscaster narrating a play-by-play of your child’s actions. Behavioral descriptions lead to mindful moments where you and your child become more focused on the activity. Describing your child’s behavior can be as simple as saying, “You’re blowing bubbles” or “You’re rolling the play-doh."

Enthusiastically engage with your child

When we show enthusiasm while playing with our kids it tells them that we are enjoying this special time with them. Not only will your enthusiasm demonstrate a vested interest in your child, it will also help model positive emotions and further strengthen the relationship.

You can demonstrate enthusiasm with teens too! Did you go on a special outing together? Let them know you enjoyed yourself by saying, “That was so fun!” or “I’m really glad we got to spend some time together.”

What to Avoid When Using PRIDE Skills

Remember, special time is all about strengthening the parent-child relationship. It should be held daily, regardless of a child’s behavior. This demonstrates unconditional positive regard for your child which can be especially powerful when there are a lot of negative interactions. To keep special time fun and child-friendly:

Avoid Questions and Commands

Although well-intentioned, asking kids questions about their school day, friends, or other subjects during special time can disrupt the flow of fun. Questions and commands take away the child-led portion of the play and can inadvertently come off as criticisms. For example, if your child goes for the coloring materials and you ask, “Don’t you want to play with the puzzles?” it may give your child the impression that they are doing something wrong. 

Avoid Criticisms and Corrections

Parental criticisms, which indicate a lack of approval, can have undesirable effects on children. Common criticisms include, “You’re doing it wrong” or even “Cut it out!” These statements can create a negative environment and even a power struggle if they trigger child misbehavior.

Back To Your Future

By: Michelle Bottone, LMFT

The pandemic has been a lengthy period of uncertainty which can cause increased stressors in many areas of our lives. Given the CDC guidelines and in order to interact with others, most of us have been relegated to socializing via technology platforms, such as Zoom with colleagues, family, and friends.

Recently, the majority of companies have announced their respective employee return to work dates. Does the thought of re-socialization seem daunting?  Do you find yourself doubting your ability to navigate this transition?  Take a deep breath, help is accessible. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills can assist in increasing your resiliency and your ability to re-integrate socially whether if it’s back to the office or school.

1. Practice self-validation.

Self-validating is act of practicing self-compassion by acknowledging, allowing and understanding how you are feeling. An example of this could be saying to yourself, “It is okay that I am feeling anxious right now. I haven’t set foot in the office for over a year. All my meetings have been through Zoom, it makes sense that I may be a little nervous.”

2. Check the facts.

What am I assuming? Am I overestimating a potential threat and underestimating my ability to cope?  Example: “I am assuming that I might stutter when speaking to a colleague in person for the first time. I speak all the time to my coworkers via Zoom without stuttering. If I do happen to stutter, it’s okay. In my last performance evaluation, my manager wrote that I have strong communication skills. Even the best public speakers, trip up on their words at times.”

3. Cope ahead.

Consider practicing a plan ahead of time so that you feel prepared to cope effectively with the situation. Example: “If I begin to feel anxious when talking to a coworker in person, I will practice using the half smile skill because I know that our facial expressions are partially linked to our feelings.”

Certainly, any change can feel challenging. It is crucial to be mindful that the training of one’s mind is similar to training for a marathon, it does take time. In various ways the pandemic experience has been a detour in many people’s lives. Therefore, realize that DBT skills can help better enable your post pandemic return and put you back on the road to YOUR FUTURE.

Managing Family Dynamics by Walking the Middle Path

By: Michelle Bottone, LMFT

It has been nearly a year since many of us have been working remotely along with our children who must also learn remotely in the same environment. It was difficult to navigate both work and family obligations pre-COVID 19. Given the current challenges, the stress level of parents and children have been significantly exacerbated. Do you find yourself struggling with parenting during COVID? When you are in conflict with your child, do you feel like you are playing a game of Tug of War? Well, it is time to drop that Tug of War rope.

Walking the middle path is a skill in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that fosters balance and letting go of polarized perspectives.

Scenario: Mother notices her child curled up and crying.

Be Dialectical.

Stay away from stating extreme responses such as “always and never”.  Search for the kernel of truth in what your child is saying to you. The dialectical approach is that there is no absolute truth and many alternative truths. Things are not black and white, there is a grey area, and that change is transactional and inevitable.

Mother: “I see tears. I’d love for you to tell me what’s bothering you.”

Child: “I feel overwhelmed by my schoolwork and I miss my friends.”

Validate your child.

Validation is imperative for all relationships. When we validate someone, we are acknowledging their thoughts, feelings and behaviors based on the current situation. Avoid blaming and judging. Research indicates that a child’s emotional stress can elevate significantly with high levels of invalidation.

Mother: “It makes sense that you are overwhelmed by school and miss your friends.”

Changing behavior.

Reinforce small steps towards the behavior you would like to see. It is crucial to reinforce the positive behavior directly after it occurs and at every opportunity that it presents itself. Decrease undesired behaviors through reasonable consequences. Be mindful that extinction of a behavior leads first to a burst of the behavior and then it will start to decrease overtime. Also, realize that extinction and punishment do not teach a new behavior, therefore, a new positive behavior needs to put it in its place.

Mother: “I noticed earlier today that you were able to take a 10-minute break and then go back to doing your schoolwork. Great job! If you complete another hour of schoolwork, perhaps you would like to Facetime with one of your friends.”

When we are highly stressed, it can cause us to become reactive. We may become locked into a position of rigidity and unwilling to compromise. Walking the middle path opens up lines of communication between you and your child. By actively making an effort to reduce your own emotional responses, behaviors and ways of thinking, you are directly modeling healthy skills and flexibility. Particularly for a child living through this pandemic, feeling understood and connected can make the critical difference during this time of ongoing uncertainty. 

 

 

Beginning Evidenced-Based Therapy: What is it? & What can you expect?

By Laura Miller, LMSW

Most of us will face challenging and stressful situations at some point in our lives and find ourselves needing more support. This is a normal part of human experience; out of necessity, humans evolved into social beings, as dependence and cooperation with one another enhanced the ability to survive. Although survival threats may be lower today, we still see that people continue to need support from others. In fact, lack of support can actually lead to increase stress.

At times, you may be able to cope with stressful life situations on your own or with the support of a trusted loved one. However, difficult circumstances may also include emotional symptoms such as depressed mood or anxiety or cognitive symptoms such as repetitive and upsetting thoughts or uncontrollable worry. It may be that even with support, that these symptoms don’t resolve. When this happens, it makes sense to consider seeking professional mental health support. The American Psychological Association recommends seeking therapy when a problem has become distressing and it is interfering with some aspect of life. Yet, you also don’t need to have a significant stressor or problem to benefitfrom therapy. If you find yourself curious about the process and can find value in having more support, that is reason enough to begin!

Benefits of Therapy & Evidenced-Based Treatments

While therapy can be a daunting process to begin, there have been numerous advances in the treatment of psychological disorders and there are many research studies to show that therapy is helpful! Treatments known as “evidenced-based treatments” (EBTs) are treatments that have been developed through extensive research and shown to be effective in treating specific symptoms. Not all mental health treatments are equally helpful and some therapies have been shown to work better than others. Due to the extensive research that goes in to developing EBTs and the amount of data showing their effectiveness in decreasing symptoms, EBTs are listed as “best practice” and “preferred” approaches for mental health symptoms by both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association. In fact, research has demonstrated that some EBTs actually result in larger symptom improvement than pharmacological treatments, as they teach life skills that last beyond the course of medication.  There are several EBTs, including therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy and  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

What Can You Expect?

EBTs are structured and focused, and they are meant to help improve specific problem areas. In order to best meet a client’s needs, treatment first begins with a therapist conducting a clinical interview to determine problem areas. During the interview a therapist will ask a series of questions to assess overall functioning and may also give specific checklists or questionnaires to further understand the severity of problems.

EBTs require the client to take an active role. Therapy is geared at changing thoughts and behavior, rather than just talking about problems or listening to a therapist give advice. In order to achieve this, a client and therapist will collaboratively develop a plan or agenda for every session. The agenda then acts as a guide to complete several steps that are aimed at solving the problem.

Clients will learn to practice specific skills that are aimed at helping to improve the client’s problem areas. In order for clients to learn skills and integrate them into their day to day life, clients are asked to practice skills in-between sessions. Most EBTs usually involve some form of homework as practice is key to developing new behaviors and generalizing them to outside of the therapy session. Many EBTs will also include some form of self-monitoring, so that clients can learn to observe their behaviors, keep track of interventions and skills to help, and see overall improvement.

Treatment is typically short-term, lasting anywhere from 12-20 sessions. However, many people find it useful to return to treatment after completing the EBT for “booster” sessions as needed, in which clients can continue to refine their skills.

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, many EBT programs started to be conducted online through tele-therapy. Check out a previous BPS blog post to learn more about how an evidenced-based treatment can also be delivered virtually!

The decision to begin therapy is personal, however, with so many evidenced-based therapies that have extensive data to show their effectiveness, there is certainly something that could benefit everyone!

The Myth of Motivation & How to Stay Productive

By: Laura Miller, LMSW

“Ugh, but I’m just not in the mood to do that right now!” Sound familiar? Perhaps you’ve heard something like it from a loved one or caught yourself thinking similarly prior to starting a difficult or unpleasant task.  It’s natural and common for our mood or opinion toward a task to impact our motivation to complete it. However, we don’t actually needmotivation to get something done! Many people believe that they need to be motivated to do something in order to begin the task (i.e. motivated to begin spring cleaning or motivated to try a new workout routine in order to start cleaning or exercising). However, if you wait until you feel motivated to begin, you might find yourself stuck waiting.

Why? Well, action actually comes first and then motivation comes as an after effect of our actions! Think about the last time that you felt like staying home and relaxing and weren’t that motivated to go to the gym. However, sometimes, there’s something that occurs that you get yourself to go anyway regardless of your motivation. Have you ever noticed that after going you not only felt better about yourself but were also more motivated to go back later? That is evidence for your action morphing into more motivation! It’s normal to not feel motivated all of the time, however, if you start acting in ways that are consistent with your long-term goals and values, your motivation will build after!

Even with the understanding that we don’t absolutely need motivation to act, it can still be challenging to start tasks and stay focused and organized throughout. Since the pandemic’s start, work and school has transitioned to virtual and hybrid models that at times, may make it challenging to feel motivated and productive. In stressful environments, your productivity may look different, and that’s okay and understandable. In fact, there is some research to suggest that employees have noticed a change in their levels of energy and productivity since remote work has increased. Below, you will find tips for staying organized and productive. Remember, once you’ve decided to act, motivation will build!

 

    1. Change your perspective. If you believe that you have to feel like doing something in order to do it, it might not get done. Do an action step because you can, not because you have to. Changing your inner dialogue from “Ugh, I have to…” to “I get to do this...” can have a positive impact on your ability to get things done. Positive thinking has been shown to reduce stress and overall improve health.
    1. Create Urgency. Sometimes, procrastination continues because there’s no real deadline of when something has to get done. For example, you may have an ideal time of when you would like to finish folding the laundry, but there’s not a specific “due date.” You can create a sense of urgency by scheduling to complete tasks right before something that you would like to do! For example, choose to schedule cleaning up the kitchen thirty minutes before your favorite show begins! This way, you’ll be motivated to move quickly and get the task done so that you don’t miss out on your pleasant event!
    1. Begin a calendar and task list system. Develop and commit to using a system that you can use to keep track of all of your tasks. Consolidate everything into a phone, notebook, or app. You don’t want to have any loose papers or appointment slips, instead, keep everything in the same place. When you write out your task list, break down large tasks into multiple do-able steps. Often times, when there’s a task on a to-do list that seems too large, you can become overwhelmed and avoid it. Instead, choose a complex task from the to-do list and break it down. For example, if the task is “buy a house” it will never get completed, instead, if it is “look up realtors in town”, it’s much more likely to be completed. Set yourself up for success by having a clear system with manageable goals.
    1. Cope with distractions. It’s entirely natural for your mind to wander off to different topics and get distracted from tasks. Begin, by deciding on a reasonable length of time that you can expect yourself to focus on a difficult or unpleasant task. Set a timer for this amount of time and if distractions occur during this period, write them down and then go back to the task. Check in with the distractions that come up once your timer has gone off. Second, look for distractions in your environment and eliminate them in advance to set the stage for success!
    1. Use Reminders and Alarm Devices. When distracted, you generally don’t have an accurate sense of how much time is passing by. Set an alarm on your phone or computer to go off at regularly scheduled intervals like thirty minutes. Each time the alarm goes off, you can use this as your cue to ask, “Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing right now or did I get distracted? Alarms can also be very useful in helping to schedule your daily routine. Develop a schedule for the day, and use alarm reminders to keep you on track!
    1. Reward yourself. Keep the momentum going by rewarding yourself after you’ve completed a task. For example, for every chore completed, allow yourself to get something from the amazon shopping cart you’ve been creating! Positive reinforcement is a useful tool in increasing the chances that someone will continue to engage in a desire behavior. Throughout the task, you can imagine yourself enjoying your reward!

Ch-Ch-Changes: Embracing Change through Dialectical Thinking

By Michelle Bottone, LMFT

In the David Bowie song, Changes, the lyrics ring out, “Turn and face the strange”. These lyrics echo a truth about the world of which people have become acutely aware in the last year: change inevitably occurs throughout our lives. Change is our constant companion in life. It will challenge us, and at times nudge us out of our comfort zone. It can cause significant discomfort as with a job loss, a relationship ending, or a death of a loved one. Change can also be liberating and fulfilling. Resistance to change often manifests as denying reality (“This cannot be happening to me!”), bargaining with reality (“If I don’t ever do that again, do you think you could still love me?”), resentment (“This is not fair!”), and excessive, unrelenting anger. However, resistance amplifies suffering and unfortunately, does not help people adapt to the change more effectively.  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), dialectical approach framework can be fundamental in enhancing one’s capacity for coping, understanding, and tolerating change.

1. Let go of assumptions and using extreme language.

"I am never going to be able to move on." Have you ever told yourself this? Utilizing words such as "always" and "never" are polarizing, limiting beliefs. Additionally, it is a type of assumption that narrows our thinking and generates nondialectical behavior. An example of a dialectical statement would be, "I feel down about losing my job. I am going to have to make an effort to seek new opportunities".

2. Practice Radical Acceptance.

When we resist reality, we increase our pain and suffering. In order to live freely and fully, we must acknowledge and accept reality as it is, good, bad and everything in-between. Acceptance is not the same as approval. For example, you might be upset that your relationship with your significant other is over. However, to move on and be open to new love you must accept that the relationship has ended, and all the sadness that that reality brings.

3. Practice becoming familiar with change.

Take small steps towards discomfort and trying something new. Ask a colleague whom you typically would not reach out to for their opinion on a project. It can be as simple as choosing a new interest or hobby. Research indicates that when we experience an entirely new circumstance, a distinctive part of the brain is activated and releases dopamine (reward/motivation chemical).

By virtue of adopting a dialectical mindset, we are better able to cope with life’s changes and propel forward. When a hermit crab’s shell no longer fits, it must go out and seek a brand-new shell. If a hermit crab decides to stay in its current shell, the crab’s health is jeopardized. If we do not accept change, our pain and distress will be heightened. If you are resisting change and your beliefs are too restricting, it’s time to discover a newly minted shell.

Neuropsychological Evaluations: What Are They? & When Should You Consider Them?

By: Laura Miller, LMSW

Over the last year learning environments have drastically changed due to COVID-19. Many students have transitioned to remote and hybrid learning models and faced virtual learning challenges. For example, students must maintain focus despite home distractions being readily available, manage technical issues, all while coping with decreased socialization. These changes require a new set of skills and it’s entirely understandable if your child has needed extra support this school year.

However, in some cases, it may be important to consider if your child is struggling with something beyond the difficult transition to remote learning. According to the National Center for Learning Disabilities, one in five children in the United States experience learning and attention issues indicative of a learning disorder. Furthermore, forty-eight percent of parents falsely believe that children will outgrow these brain-based difficulties, when a child may actually require more support and intervention.

In order to more fully understand your child’s learning profile, an assessment known as a neuropsychological evaluation can be completed to identify your child’s strengths and weaknesses as well as determine the kinds of supports that can help your child thrive. Keep reading to better understand what this type of evaluation includes as well as know when it may be helpful to consider.

What is a Neuropsychological Evaluation?

neuropsychological evaluationNeuropsychology refers to the study of the relationship between behavior, emotions and thoughts and brain function. Neuropsychological testing gathers information through several sources, including standardized tests, observations of the child during testing and questionnaires completed by both parents and teachers. By gathering this information, evaluators can determine how a child learns and processes information.

In order to further understand how someone processes information, a range of domains including verbal, spatial, attention, memory, reasoning and organizational skills are assessed. Academic skill development is also measured so that there can be a clear picture of where a student is in terms of their reading, math, spelling and writing skills. Furthermore, this in-depth assessment can help identify underlying problems that a child may be having. For example, if a child is struggling to follow directions, an evaluation can help determine if the child has difficulty concentrating when directions are given, difficulty comprehending directions received, difficulty remembering directions, or a combination of several difficulties. Once underlying causes are determined, then appropriate supports can be put into place.

neuropsychological evaluationGathering the information needed for a neuropsychological evaluation can be a lengthy process. Often times, this process usually requires several meetings and involves both the child and the parent. While lengthy, many children actually report enjoying the process because they are interacting with a supportive adult and receiving positive attention.

 After the evaluation is complete, a report will be written that explains a child’s history, their tests results, and a recommended plan of intervention. Often times, this report can be used to advocate for special services within the child’s school system so that the child’s needs are best met.

When Might My Child Benefit From More Testing?

neuropsychological evaluationOf course, when you see your child having any difficulty in school, there is the natural instinct to want to help. So, how do you determine if your child truly needs neuropsychological testing? One of the ways to make the decision is to ask; “Is there a persistent problem across contexts? For example, are multiple teachers having concerns regarding attention, behavior or academic performance? Do problems persist despite tutoring sessions? Is your child’s overall well-being being negatively impacted by their cognitive, emotional or behavioral abilities? For example, a child may do poorly on their math test and it might be a point of concern, yet not have ongoing negative impact. However, if a child is consistently doing poorly, and hasn’t gotten higher than a C- in the last six months and is now reporting a negative view of their overall ability, it may be an indicator that there are problems to further investigate. Below is a list of some behaviors that may indicate a need for neuropsychological testing:

· Inability to sustain attention

· Anxiety /fear or reluctance to engage in developmentally appropriate activities

· Slow acquisition of academic skills compared to peers

· Behavioral problems in school

· Difficulty maintaining organization and focus for sequenced (multiple-step) tasks

· Low self-esteem and anxiety about school performance

· Intellectually mature yet inconsistently performing or underperforming academically

If you’re wondering if your child may need a neuropsychological evaluation, start by reaching out to your child’s teachers and gathering information on their functioning in school. Often times, school districts will also have the ability to complete some testing within the school or can provide a recommended list of trusted evaluators. You can explain to your child that all kids learn differently and everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and that you want to help them figure out how they can learn best! Ultimately, a neuropsychological evaluation will help your child get on the path to being their most effective and productive self in school. Check out this webinar on evaluations to continue to learn more!