By: Laura Miller, LMSW

In a recent blog, mindfulness, a practice of purposefully bringing your attention to the present moment and being aware of thoughts, emotions and physical sensations without judgment was discussed. This practice can be used toreduce stress and improve mood. Mindfulness benefits may be especially important throughout the holiday season, as the advertised most “wonderful time of the year,” can also be incredibly stressful. This year has likely included even more stressors than past years and perhaps significant unwelcomed change due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Many holiday traditions might look entirely different this year; perhaps you’re gathering in much smaller groups, celebrating alone or unable to travel. With so much change, this holiday season might require a larger skill set, including both mindfulness and ways to tolerate and accept the unwanted change that has occurred.

At times, change can be exciting, for example, when one chooses to move to a new city or start a new job, however when change comes unexpectedly or without any desire, (i.e. losing a job or being unable to travel for the holidays due to COVID-19 restrictions) change can be painful. Depending on the circumstances, your reaction to change may vary from excitement to sadness. Yet in all cases, your attitude toward the change affects your experience of it. The good news? You can improve how to cope with change by recognizing (or being mindful!) of your reaction as the change occurs.

In most cases, reacting to change with “willfulness” can often make the situation worse. Willfulness is ignoring reality; or rejecting the unwanted change or other painful event that has occurred. For example, you may find yourself saying, “Why me!? This isn’t fair! I’m not going to deal with this! It shouldn’t be this way!”. While this attitude is understandable (of course it makes sense to not want to tolerate and cope with a painful situation), rejecting what is happening in the moment often makes the situation worse. Rejection of pain keeps someone stuck in bitterness, anger, unhappiness and

other painful emotions. So much so, that Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., the treatment developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, writes that “pain plus nonacceptance equals suffering”. Linehan coined the term, “radical acceptance”, meaning that one must accept rather than fight painful situations with mind, heart, and body and accept something “all the way” in order to cope. (Clickhere to watch Marsha Linehan further discuss acceptance.) Yet, acceptance of a painful situation is often not a desirable option either... keep reading to better understand how and why acceptance might help!

Why Bother Accepting Unwanted Change or Painful Situations?

1. Rejecting or denying reality doesn’t actually change reality. Although avoiding a painful situation or denying what is happening might make you feel better in the moment, it doesn’t actually change what is happening. Resistance and or the willpower to ignore pain won’t actually help change the painful situation.
2. Changing reality requires first accepting reality. Fighting reality often interferes with one’s ability to be able to see the painful situation clearly. For example, if one refuses to accept that COVID-19 may interfere with their holiday traditions and that they will need to take safety precautions over the holidays, one might not properly prepare or take the necessary precautions, potentially resulting in even more difficult to manage and painful situations. Accepting the facts of a situation can be helpful for future coping and problem solving.
3. Acceptance May Lead to Sadness (at first) but deep calmness and freedom follows. Coming to terms with the reality of the situation can result in sadness, it’s hard to acknowledge painful events as true. Allow disappointment and/or sadness to arise and be kind to yourself by using self soothe skills. Although incredibly difficult, once one accepts what’s happening and stops fighting reality, the amount of effort and mental energy that was going into fighting the situation no longer has to work so hard. At times, no longer fighting the situation can result in a calmness. Ultimately, accepting what is happening and living in reality offers a sense of freedom where you don’t have to feel controlled by willful thoughts like “why me?” and “this isn’t fair!”.
4. Acceptance decreases psychological suffering. Acceptance has been found to havesignificant psychological benefits and as Marsha Linehan, PhD indicates “reduce suffering.” Accepting experiences as they occur has been linked to improved psychological well-being, life satisfaction and decreased depressive and anxiety symptoms.

Even with the understanding that acceptance has benefits, it is still incredibly difficult. Remember, that acceptance is not the same as approval nor is it minimizing the emotional difficulty that may be associated with the painful event. Furthermore, accepting reality is not giving up nor giving in, in fact, it’s quite the opposite; it’s accepting what is happening so that you can then choose how you want to cope rather than resigning to the pain of the unwanted situation.

How to Accept Unwanted Change:

1. Observe willfulness. Notice when you are having difficulty accepting change and painful situations and describe what you are having difficulty accepting without judgment. At times, it can be easy to fight reality without even realizing that you are doing it. Acknowledging that you are not accepting, is the first step to later acceptance.
2. Remind yourself that you can’t fight reality and consider what you need to accept. Remind yourself that fighting what’s happening in reality doesn’t change reality and begin to consider what it is that you are actually having difficulty accepting.
3. Practice Accepting. Practice letting go of the tension in your body (check out these relaxation techniques) so that you become more open to acceptance. By relaxing your body, you can also relax your mind and become more open to acceptance. Begin to think about what you are accepting and imagine yourself accepting the situation entirely. Practice saying out loud “yes, I can handle this!”.

You can also check out this step by step guide to radical acceptance .

Similar to mindfulness, acceptance is also an ongoing practice. At times, acceptance can last a moment or two, and then willfulness can pop back up (i.e. Ugh, but do I really have to cope with this?!”). Continue to observe when you’re willful, and be willing to “turn the mind” to acceptance and make an inner commitment to continue to accept reality as it is. You may find yourself turning the mind over and over again back to acceptance, and this is okay. Acceptance is a difficult process, yet it comes with high reward when suffering can be reduced.

Remember, be kind to yourself this holiday season. You are not alone in facing these unprecedented challenges. Make an effort to spend extra time taking care of yourself and don’t hesitate to ask for support when you need it.

From all of us at Behavioral Psych Studio, Happy Holidays!

By: Laura Miller, LMSW

Congratulations! You’ve supported your child throughout years of educational and developmental milestones and you have now made it to the pinnacle moment of their educational journey, the college application process. Take a moment to reflect on this; the years of involvement in classroom activities, school plays, sporting events... you have been there through it all!

As you celebrate this achievement, also acknowledge how difficult it is to believe that your child is headed off to college. (Where did the time go!?) Furthermore, it is equally if not more challenging to determine exactly how to continue to support your child while working to promote their own independence. You may be feeling the temptation to remain as equally involved as when you first enrolled your child in Pre-K and this is normal, you are in the special group of people who know your child best! However, allowing your student to conduct the college application process independently will help prepare them to be independent when they do attend college. Knowing when to help, how to help and refraining from crossing the line into too much help is key.

So, how do you help? Perhaps your child has been avoiding conversations related to college or is procrastinating working on their college admissions essay...you may be thinking; “Don’t they want to go to college?” or “Why don’t they just do it?? This is important!!” It makes sense to want to jump on these avoidance behaviors, and become your child’s Motivator-In-Chief, however, your child is actually right on cue. This is a huge task to begin and in most cases, this is likely the biggest and most stressful decision that your child has ever had to complete, and it makes sense for them to be feeling anxious about the unknown future. Oftentimes, when someone feels anxious they will avoid a situation, and you can validate this for your teen. Remember that their avoidance makes sense right now, and that becoming overbearing and controlling by demanding a completion of an essay by the end of the night will likely worsen their avoidance. Instead, have a candid conversation with your teen that you understand how stressful this is and that you empathize with what they’re feeling.

At the same time, complete avoidance of the college application process will be detrimental to your child’s success. Set up a weekly check in time to discuss your child’s progress, rather than asking frequent questions daily. This way, you will still be able to check in on your child’s progress, while encouraging their independence throughout the week. Remember, that there is a longer-term goal at play; teach your child how to manage big tasks, rather than being overbearing and adding more stress. During these meetings, encourage open and honest communication, and listen to your child’s desires about the type of school that they would like to attend. Your guidance toward appropriate decisions is needed, however be careful not to impose your own beliefs about the type of school that you think your child “should” attend. Remember, this is your child’s application process, not yours.

After you and your child have determined when to have your check-ins, you now need to determine the appropriate amount of help to offer. You may choose to help maintain schedules regarding application deadlines, work on financial arrangements that will

support the college education and help your child arrange campus visits. Continue to offer your child unconditional guidance, love and support, however, allow your child to remain in control and take the lead. The temptation to get involved may at times be so powerful that you may want to write their college essay for them. Remember, proofreading and grammar checking is okay, but colleges want to hear your child’s unique student perspective, not yours.

This is a stressful time for both you and your child, work to keep your own stress at bay so that you can support your child. (This may mean making a concerted effort to engage in your own self-care!) Do not lose sight of the fact that your child is going to college, not you, and that too much help or pressure from you will undermine your child’s ability to become an independent young adult. Provide continuous support while allowing your child to lead the way. All the while don’t forget to celebrate the wonderful accomplishments your child has already achieved!

By: Laura Miller, LMSW

Even in the absence of a global pandemic, the start of a new school year creates a long “to-do” list for parents; purchase new school supplies, meet teachers, pack school lunches...the list goes on! This year, as parents’ to-do lists expand to include navigating the complexities of the COVID-19 pandemic, the transition back to school has become daunting. Furthermore, children are faced with significant challenges as they too, navigate the unknowns of the pandemic and adjust to socially distant, and in some cases, completely remote learning. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 7% of children have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, however current circumstances may prompt children to be more anxious than usual and parents must be prepared to best support their child’s changing needs. Keep reading for tips on how to support your child’s return to school, while prioritizing their (and your own!) physical and mental health.

Address Your Child’s Anxiety Head On

Start addressing your child’s anxiety by being mindful of signs and symptoms and create an open dialogue to identify any worries that they may be experiencing. You can then provide fact-based information to address their concerns. For example, you might ask, “How are you feeling about returning to school?” And then calmly say, “I can see that you are worried about getting sick while you’re at school. Let’s talk about how we can wear a mask, wash our hands, and practice social distancing to stay safe!” You can also check out the CDC’s checklist for more back to school planning.

After helping your child recognize their worries, reassure them that both you and their teachers are there to help. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and discuss coping strategies to use when anxious. For example, you may suggest taking deep breaths, imagining themselves in a calming place, or using positive self-talk such as, “I can do this, and I can ask for help if I need it.” You might also alleviate some of your child’s anxiety by prepping them for the changes that they may experience this school year. For example, you can discuss differences such as desks spread out, designated ways to walk in the hallways, wearing a mask and washing hands often.

Create a Family Routine

In a previous blog, we discussed the benefits of routine for kids, yet after months of remote learning and summer break, returning to a school routine may prove challenging. Put together a schedule to designate times for meals, exercise, learning activities and free time. Furthermore, give your child choices within each category to promote their own independence. It’s especially important for children engaging in remote learning to have a separate space for the “school day” and to schedule breaks, so that your child is able to get a snack/stretch and stay motivated throughout their learning day. Children often have trouble with sleeping during a stressful period and will also benefit from a normal nighttime routine. Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics’ tips on creating a sleep schedule.

Encourage Positive Behavior

In some cases, children who experience anxiety are also more likely to engage in disruptive behaviors or become oppositional. Children may not always know how to communicate their stress and can act out instead. Use your attention as a powerful tool; pay attention and reinforce positive behaviors with labeled praise; “Great job picking up after yourself, thank you!”and discourage other unwanted behaviors by ignoring them. Furthermore, use rewards and privileges to reinforce positive behaviors; you can make a sticker chart for behaviors such as completing homework and getting along with siblings and even create a system to redeem stickers for other privileges.

Model Taking Care of Yourself

It makes sense for parents to also feel overwhelmed and stressed, many are being tasked with completing their full-time jobs virtually, while also engaging in child-care; an incredible amount of responsibility. You can support your child’s mental health by modeling how you are taking care of you! Taking care of yourself physically will boost your mood and better prepare you for stressful moments. Keep reading here for more tips on how to remain in control.

All families are faced with new and difficult challenges this year, don’t hesitate to reach out for support when you need it. Take time to be truly present with your child and engage in fun activities together to help build a supportive and safe environment this year. Furthermore, don’t hesitate to reach out to your child’s teacher to ask questions, and gather more information about your child’s functioning in school; teachers are allies and are there to help! Lastly, remember that by getting through these challenges now, you’re helping your child build lifelong coping skills!

By Laura Miller, LMSW

The transition from warm and relaxing summer months into cool September mornings and structured school days is always a difficult change. So much so, that many students experience anxiety as they return to campus for another school year. In fact, nearly 30% of both adolescents and young adults experience anxiety. This school year’s start prompts another set of unique challenges; managing the unknowns of the continued COVID-19 global pandemic and its consequences on school; remote learning, a hybrid of in-person and virtual classes and the ongoing thought; “When will this end!?” Feeling anxious? Keep reading for tips on how to manage your stress!

Acknowledge Your Stress (and Especially Why it Makes Sense!)

It’s natural to want to avoid situations that make you anxious. Perhaps you’ve thought about sleeping in and skipping that calculus class that seems particularly difficult, or you still have yet to review (and purchase!) your course load’s required textbooks. However, this can actually contribute to a vicious cycle that keeps your anxiety around longer. Instead, acknowledge and validate why you're feeling stressed and then later return to the task. For example, you might say, “Of course this is difficult for me, I haven’t ever had to take an online class before, and this is something new to get used to. It’s okay to be feeling nervous right now.” Then, follow your validation with a “coping statement”; “I’m going to try my best and I’ll ask for help when I need it!” Remember that you’ve never been in a global pandemic AND had to go to school- this is hard, and it’s perfectly okay to feel stressed.

Build a Supportive Network

The COVID-19 pandemic has limited the amount of people we can physically be around, however building and maintaining positive and supportive relationships is still critically important for our mental health. Make a concerted effort to connect with other students in your classes and around campus. This may look different from past years, however there are creative ways to “hang out” with friends; check out https://www.netflixparty.com/! Create virtual study groups and email professors to attend virtual “office hours” when needed. The library may not be packed with students this semester’s finals week, but it’s still possible to find ways to ask for support. Additionally, talk to your loved ones about how you’re feeling, it’s likely that you’re not the only one feeling extra stressed this semester.

Take Back Control, Make a Routine….And Be Flexible If It Needs to Change

COVID-19 has brought continuous change, which can certainly contribute to a feeling of total lack of control. While the world keeps changing, it’s helpful to gain back some sense of normalcy by controlling what you can control. You can start taking back control of the school year by establishing a regular schedule and then sticking to your new routine. Are all of your classes online? Do they not begin until the late afternoon? Get up in the morning just like you would for an early morning class, get dressed, make or purchase a nutritious breakfast, and then start off the day by getting some exercise too. Then, create a separate and private space for you to get your work done. Dorm rooms especially are filled with distraction (Hi, friends!), so make sure to find a space where you will really be able to focus on your professor’s lecture. It’s helpful to still be in a “normal” school frame of mind, and recreate a space as if you were in class. Creating this daily schedule will foster some predictability for yourself and therefore reduce stress and help alleviate some the anxiety related to the unknowns of what your day may be like. While sticking to this routine will be helpful, also be open minded and flexible about any necessary scheduling changes as they arise.

Make a Pledge to Use Self Care

As your school assignments pick up, make sure you don’t stop participating in other

pleasant and self-care daily activities that you enjoy! Self-care has been found critical to student success, and engaging in different pleasant activities (and taking a break from school!) will keep you centered and balanced in the midst of so much change. Make an effort to take breaks in between classes and go get a snack or stretch, before returning to your work. Furthermore, get enough sleep to feel rested, exercise, eat nutritious foods, and overall take care of your physical health-- this in turn will boost your mood!

Be Mindful of Your Stress

As the school year ramps up, continue to evaluate your stress level. Be mindful of how you’re feeling and try not to put too much on your plate or pressure on yourself. Communicate with others about your feelings and make sure to ask for help when you need it. Work on developing a growth mindset- there might be a few bumps this school year and that’s okay, you will learn to handle these challenges! Be nonjudgmental toward yourself and take time to enjoy a few rewards as you accomplish your goals!

Stay tuned for our next article highlighting how parents can adapt and help support their children’s transition back to school during the pandemic!

**This post is part of our series, Behavioral Psych Studio for Black Lives Matter (BPS for BLM), which aims to amplify Black voices on topics related to mental health and wellbeing. All links below will take you to Black-created content.**

By Brooke Schwartz, LMSW 

Not knowing where to start your antiracist journey — or where to go next — may lead you to feel stuck. If you find yourself in this position, look no further than Leesa Renee Hall’s expressive writing prompts. An anti-bias facilitator and expressive writing coach, Hall suggests spending 30 minutes responding to one of the questions she poses such as, “How did your parents or caregivers talk about skin colour? How did their beliefs and views shape you?” 

The goal of this exercise? To help the writer “uncover blocks [they] may have in hearing another person’s pain” so that they can “hear without getting dismissive or defensive.” Try it out, and stay tuned for more posts in this series! 

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