By Bethesda Yohannes, LMSW.
Just because we love our family doesn't mean we always get along with them. In fact, few things can dysregulate us faster than the people who know us best. That's what makes family vacations so bittersweet and sometimes incredibly challenging to navigate.
Between having little personal space, managing everyone's expectations, and dealing with the inevitable family conflict, spending extended time together can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted and counting down the days until you can go home. Before you know it, you're one minor inconvenience away from a full Britney Spears meltdown.
This summer, I want you to think of these DBT skills as your emotional life jacket, the tools that can help keep you afloat when family dynamics start pulling you under.
Let’s go to the basics.
While everyone loves a vacation as a break from the realities of everyday life, family vacations can also throw us off routines that help keep us emotionally regulated. Changes in sleep schedules, eating habits, and daily structure can make us more vulnerable to stress and emotional reactivity.
On top of that, spending significantly more time together can leave us with less emotional recovery time and fewer opportunities to recharge. Before you know it, you're one disagreement away from turning a family vacation into a full-blown WWE match. That's where the DBT PLEASE skills come in. These skills help us stay on top of our basic physical needs so we're better equipped to regulate our emotions, manage stress, and survive family vacation season with our sanity intact. Below are the PLEASE skills explained.
Physical health
It's important to take care of our physical health. That means staying on top of things like taking your vitamins, following your prescribed medications, and treating illnesses when they come up. When our bodies aren't feeling their best, regulating our emotions becomes much more difficult.
Balanced Eating
No skipping meals! It's important to eat balanced meals and foods that help keep you regulated. What that looks like may be different for everyone, so pay attention to what your body needs. You know yourself best. If too much sugar tends to make you irritable or cranky, try to enjoy it in moderation during your family trip.
It can also be helpful to plan ahead by making restaurant reservations or creating a loose meal plan before your trip. Having a plan in place can make it easier to stay nourished, avoid hanger-induced arguments, and keep your emotions in check.
Sleep
Your body needs rest. Sleep can be one of the hardest parts of a vacation because it’s tempting to stay up late and squeeze every bit of fun out of the day. However, getting enough sleep is essential for both your physical and emotional well-being.
It's important to remember that sleep is how your body recharges, and unfortunately, we can't truly make up for lost sleep. When we consistently get less rest than we need, our bodies and our moods feel the effects.
The amount of sleep each person needs varies, and you know your body best. That said, most adults function best with around 7–9 hours of sleep each night. Prioritizing rest during your trip can help you stay energized, emotionally regulated, and less likely to snap at your family over something minor.
Avoid Mind-Altering Substances
Mind-altering substances such as alcohol, excessive caffeine, or other drugs can make it harder to regulate your emotions and increase the likelihood of reacting impulsively. While avoiding these substances altogether may not be realistic for everyone, it's important to be mindful of how they affect you.
If you choose to consume them during your vacation, try to do so in moderation and check in with yourself regularly. Pay attention to how you're feeling, both physically and emotionally. The goal isn't perfection. It's avoiding the point where a little too much turns a minor family disagreement into a major conflict.
Exercise
Get your body moving! If the word "exercise" makes you want to immediately close this blog post, think of it simply as movement instead. Going for a walk, swimming, dancing, stretching, or participating in a family activity all count. Movement helps release endorphins, those feel-good chemicals that can boost your mood, reduce stress, and make it easier to manage difficult emotions.
Now that we've talked about reducing your vulnerability to emotional dysregulation, let's talk about boundaries. Boundaries and family can sometimes feel like oil and water, they don't always mix easily. But that doesn't mean we stop setting boundaries. In fact, family vacations often require us to be even more intentional, proactive, and consistent with them.
When you're sharing close quarters, navigating different personalities, and spending more time together than usual, boundaries become an essential tool for protecting your peace and preventing resentment from building up.
One DBT skill that can be especially helpful is DEAR MAN. This skill provides a clear structure for communicating your needs, setting boundaries, and making requests effectively, even when family dynamics make those conversations challenging. Below, we'll break down each part of DEAR MAN and how you can use it during your next family vacation.
Describe the situation
The first step is to describe the situation that is leading you to have the conversation. When doing this, focus only on the facts. In DBT, facts are things that can be directly observed through your senses—what you saw, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled.
This means avoiding assumptions, interpretations, or judgments about the other person's intentions. Sticking to the facts helps keep the conversation grounded and reduces the chances of the other person becoming defensive. Think of it as describing the situation the way a camera would record it.
An example, I heard you say that I’m wasting my time with my boyfriend.
Express your feelings and opinions
Now you’re saying what you feel about the situation. You are only using “I statements.”
An example, It makes me feel frustrated and annoyed when I hear negative comments about my relationship.
Assert yourself
This is when you make your request or set your boundary. You want to make sure you’re clear and leaving no room for interpretation.
An example, I’d really like it if you don’t comment on my relationship.
Reinforce
Next, you can reinforce your request by explaining what the other person may gain from honoring it. This step is optional and may not apply in every situation. However, when appropriate, highlighting the benefits can increase the likelihood that the other person will be willing to work with you.
An example, if you do this, then I think we’ll be able to get along without fighting for this trip.
Now, the MAN part is how you’re doing the DEAR
Mindful of Objective
Stay focused on your goal and avoid getting pulled into side arguments or personal attacks. Family members may try to change the subject, bring up unrelated issues, or respond defensively when you set a boundary. When this happens, do your best to stay on task.
Instead of arguing, defending yourself, or responding to attacks, calmly repeat your point and redirect the conversation back to your original request. Think of yourself as a broken record; clear, consistent, and focused on the message you want to communicate.
Appear confident
You don't have to feel confident to be effective, but it can help to present yourself confidently. This might look like maintaining eye contact, sitting or standing up straight, and speaking in a calm, steady voice.
Negotiate
Lastly, be open to negotiating when appropriate. If you're setting a firm boundary, this step may not apply, as some boundaries are not up for discussion. However, if you're making a request and there is room for flexibility, consider working together to find a solution that meets everyone's needs.
If your family member continues to reject your suggestions or shuts down your attempts to find a resolution, try turning the conversation back to them. Ask what they would suggest instead. This can help shift the discussion from conflict to problem-solving and encourage shared responsibility for finding a workable solution.
Family vacations can create incredible memories, but they can also bring stress, conflict, and emotional overwhelm. By using the PLEASE skills, you can reduce your vulnerability to intense emotions by taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. And when conflicts or frustrations arise, DEAR MAN can help you communicate your needs, set boundaries, and navigate difficult conversations more effectively.
Even with these skills, there will likely be moments when family dynamics get under your skin. That's why it's important to have a few coping skills in your back pocket that you know help you calm down and regroup. Whether that's taking deep breaths, listening to music, going for a walk, spending a few minutes alone, or practicing mindfulness, having a plan for managing stress can make a big difference. Remember, the goal isn't to have a perfect family vacation; it's to have the tools to handle the imperfect moments when they inevitably happen.
