By Stephanie Rothney
I regularly hear about the power of saying “yes” – how saying yes to opportunities can increase joy and fulfillment. I believe strongly in the power of “yes”, and, taking a balanced approach, I think it is also important to recognize the power of “no”. So, this November, if life feels hectic, your schedule is packed, finances are tight, or emotions are more vulnerable, consider harnessing the power of “no”.
As the end of the year approaches, people often find themselves met with lots of opportunities to socialize, attend family gatherings, or take on some extra projects at work. When these opportunities present themselves to me, it can feel exciting in the moment, and I want to say “yes” to it all. At the same time, my wise mind knows that I cannot say yes to everything, and future me will be grateful when I am tucked in bed by 9 pm, reading a good book (ok fine, watching Bravo) after a long week. Yet, even when my wise mind tells me no is the best decision, saying “yes” often feels easier and less likely to disappoint others. When telling someone “no” feels daunting, I like to turn to the DEAR MAN skill to guide me through it.
DEAR MAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill that helps us assert our wants and needs while still protecting relationships. It can be used to make requests and to say “no”. Let’s walk through what DEAR MAN stands for and an example of using it to say “no” to a weekend trip away with friends that you can’t fit into your schedule.
| D | Describe the situation without judgement. | “Hey, I saw your invite to the weekend trip.” |
| E | Express your feelings about the situation. |
“I am so grateful to be invited; however, I am stressed because I am overcommitted right now.”
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| A | Assert yourself by clearly saying “no” or stating what you want/need if it is a request.
Remember to be firm, avoid language such as “I might not be able to…” or “I am not sure if I can…”
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“Unfortunately, I cannot join the trip.”
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| R | Reinforce. Identify something positive or rewarding for the others person if they respond well. It can be as simple as their response having a positive effect on you. | “Your understanding means a lot to me. Thank you again for the invite, I know you are going to have a great time.” |
| M | (Remain) Mindful. Stay focused on what you want and avoid getting sidetracked by other issues. Sometimes you might have to repeat the same assertion and sound like a broken record. | If a friend says “come on, it won’t be nearly as fun without you, can’t you try to make it work?” you might say “I hear you, I am disappointed too, but I can’t make it this time.” |
| A | Appear confident. Maintain eye contact and confident posture and voice. If you are communicating via text or phone, use direct language. | |
| N | Negotiate. Be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you have to give to get. | “Let’s plan another trip together in the future when things aren’t as busy.” |
When your wise mind is telling you to say “no”, DEAR MAN can be an effective way to do so while tending to relationships. You could use it to set limits around after-hour work emails, say no to a second date you aren’t feeling, or decline cat-sitting for your sister for the 8th time this year. Let’s remember that knowing when and how to say “no” is just as important as knowing when and how to say “yes.” Saying “no” can feel awkward and uncomfortable; however, with practice and the help of DEAR MAN, you can respect your limits while maintaining respect for yourself and others!
